love-a beautiful disaster

new blog

2006-03-17T01:51:00.000-08:00

i set up a new blog.

no more new posts here after this one.

so long.

www.fullheart-foryouiwill.blogspot.com

maybe... just maybe...

2006-03-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

saw the boy at breakfast this morning.

all alone.

man, i'm nuts.

so in love.

did i see what i think i saw?

hmm.

there are 3 plausible reasons.

one, he's just got nothing to do since he's alone so he just looks over, like normal people do.

two, maybe, just maybe, he's interested!

if there is a god, show me a sign!

haha.

and three, maybe he thinks i look like a weirdo so he's staring at me.

sigh.

all this speculating.

it's tiring.

aimless...

2006-03-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

feeling pensive and moody now.

don't know why.

sigh.

nothing much to report today.

my life is boring.

pretty fucked up too.

saw him today.

sigh.

as always ppl are oblivious to me.

i wanna go shopping!

gonna go central with the girls (or just hye jung) this thursday.

gonna buy that coat from dorothy perkins!

hahaha.

and i must get my hands on the new burberry fragrance, burberry london.

it smells absolutely gorgeous.

i love it!

watched scary movie 3 on my computer.

bloody hilarious man!

haha.

that girl, anna something, so pretty!

she acted as april in the hot chick.

beautiful girl.

much more pretty than rachel mcadams (jessica aka the bitch in the hot chick)

and the guy in scary movie 3, george.

man, his eyes are gorgeous!

people with beautiful eyes always look beautiful.

been watching this korean drama too.

i'm sorry i love u.

direct translation.

pretty nice.

the guy's cute too.

haha.

but as usual.

the same cliched storyline.

same slow-paced crawl that korean dramas all seem to favour.

same good-looking actors and actresses.

well, u get my drift.

someone's been catching my eye these few days.

i have yet to find out what they're really up to.

is it really what i think it is?

perhaps, perhaps.

well, only time will tell.

so yet again, i must wait.

god, i hate to wait!

british culture

2006-03-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

in pain the whole day.

my god.

i think i have indigestion or something.

yesterday skipped lunch cos wasn't feeling all that hungry.

studied business in the library the whole afternoon.

the pain came like lightning bolt during dinner.

it was like a cat clawing from inside my stomach.

the pain was so sharp, i could hardly breathe.

managed to crawl back to my room and curl up under the blanket.

i felt like dying.

the pain was excruciating!

this morning, slightly better.

still had that aching feeling.

thought the worst was over.

boy, was i wrong!

after breakfast the pain returned, full force.

was forced to take some indigestion pills hye jung gave me.

felt better then.

after lunch, it cam back again.

damn unlucky!

suffered the whole darn day.

decided in the end to put a hold on my firm stand on not taking proper medication for stomach upsets like these.

ran over to the pharmacy across the road and bought a box of indigestion pills.

bloody freakin' waste of my money.

say what "fast relief" and "lasts up to 12 hours".

what a load of bull.

the pain came back all over again after dinner.

went back to my room to suffer and rot.

thank god for michelle, melissa and yu yi.

if they hadn't asked me to go to the pub with them for a drink, i swear i wld've gone mad.

seriously, u and the pain and boredom alone.

it's enough to make any sane person shoot their brains out.

walked to greenwich village, to the gipsy moth.

nice little pub.

but damn packed.

typical british lifestyle.

"let's hit the pubs after work, mate!"

hahaha.

can't believe it, how many drunk idiots tried to hit on us.

wat the hell?!

drank white wine.

can u believe the place didn't have spirits?!

unbelievable!

after that went to the chinese bakery for dessert.

didn't eat anything then cos the bloody pain returned with a vengeance.

i think my stomach was taking revenge for me putting alcohol in it.

haha.

was late coming back before curfew.

shits.

hope the supervisor won't make noise.

sigh.

well, had quite a fun friday night all together.

not quite routine as usual, but it makes for a really nice change.

eyes, sleep and snow...

2006-03-02T07:54:00.000-08:00

so tired.

my eyes feel like they're gonna drop out with a sickening 'ploop' u hear in movies.

i need sleep.

exams coming soon.

what with not wanting to disappoint my family, and trying to do that bitch one better.

life is just not worth living, man.

i am stretched thin.

overslept today.

don't believe it.

slept early last night too.

sigh.

was late for math class.

lucky i made it in time.

record speed man!

whizzed out of bed, dressed and out the door in 5 minutes.

hahaha.

went to the bank in deptford with the girls in the afternoon.

it snowed!

hahaha.

so nice!

it was really so surreal.

well, later then.

more homework awaits me.

ugh.

adventure after adventure

2006-02-26T08:45:00.000-08:00

went shopping at oxford street today.

before that, went with lavinia to get back her camera.

we were given the wrong directions and ended up in surrey, when the place was in lewisham, near the college.

damn tiring.

we had to go up and down.

luckily we met a really nice lady, teresa.

she helped us get directions and arranged how we could get there in the shortest time possible.

she and her husband, peter, even gave as a lift to the place where we could catch the tram to the train station.

it sure helped that her son was really cute too.

haha!

bought a top from topshop today.

£15.

reasonable price.

it's good quality.

it's a little big.

i bought one size too big.

to mom, it will look ok on me.

went to chinatown.

bought some groceries, noodles and biscuits from the chinese store.

then went to tesco's on our way back at canary wharf and bought groceries.

along the way back it was really crowded when boarding the tube.

i was trying to get on after sophy when the doors suddenly closed.

my bag was caught with my sleeve.

i panicked like hell.

damn scary man.

lucky managed to pull out my sleeve.

otherwise...

i dread to think what would happen then.

well, i still haven't managed to find a nice, good, reasonably priced coat.

i saw one at topshop, £20.

it was really nice.

but i put it down for like two minutes and some stupid woman took it.

bloody hell.

so crappy.

regret it now.

sigh.

no empty threat...

2006-02-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

wow.

long time since i last updated.

well, been busy.

school just started again.

had half-term break last week.

my friends threw a surprise birthday party for me.

really nice of them.

of course that bitch had to come too.
ugh.

since i'm here, i'll do some my bitching myself.

u back away from me, and no one gets hurt.

i don't have to resort to physical means.

oh, there are lots of ways to hurt someone.

i'm just saying.

i know what u're doing.

and u can just go to hell.

don't mess with me, baby.

cos it ain't gonna work.

don't put on an act.

cos i can see right through u.

it's just a matter of time before my patience wears thin.

and when it does...

well, i'd be real careful if i were u.

u don't want people messing with ur head.

cos it doesn't feel good.

trust me on that.

u'd do well to stay away from me.

stop passing out self-invitations too.

it's not cool.

the phantom of the opera

2006-02-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

just got back from westminster.

went to watch the all famous musical the phantom of the opera.

god.

it was spectacular, splendid, marvellous, beautiful...

gosh, there are so many words that i can use to describe it.

i think it'll be nothing compared to the movie.

the musical is absolutely wonderful.

the songs were so... wow...

the actors were great too.

vocal cords damn good.

haha.

the set was totally grand.

the costumes were brilliant.

the music was perfect.

the story was so sad.

my favourite character is the phantom.

feel so sad for him.

there was one particular part where i actually teared.

when he gave christine (the lead female) a ring to show his love, and she was taken down to his dungeons.

his mask had been ripped off by her already.

and he said "oh, to have your mother dispise u, ur deformity; the very first piece of clothing i wore was this mask."

man, oh man.

it was so sad.

plus christine rejected him and went off with that good-looking but useless bum of a raoul.

and the worse thing was she came back after that, like she was gonna choose the phantom, regardless of looks, after all.

and all she did was give him back the ring he had given her earlier.

that really takes the cherry, man.

my god.

it's like rubbing salt into a fresh wound and sticking a knife right into the heart.

my heart aches for the phantom.

poor guy.

and they kept blaming him, saying he had a thirst for blood.

but seriously, he was being treated so cruelly.

they were just getting their just rewards for shunning him.

this was the very first musical i went to in london.

we went to Her Majesty's Theatre in piccadilly, central london.

sigh.

gorgeous.

what an experience.

if i get a chance to go again, i definitely will.

as promised...

2006-02-09T01:23:00.000-08:00

well, here to update.

just as i promised i would.

haha.

well, i hope that business turns out to be my forte.

quite enjoy the lessons and learning is fun.

not so stressful as the science courses.

really happy!

got 80% for my business homework.

my teacher said my work is good.

90% standard.

yay!

but the unfair part is that my teacher said i copied from the internet.

WHAT THE FUCK??!!!

all my hard work and effort and he says that?!

god.

and the stupid, anal part?

he said my english is too good.

what the hell?!

hello, like english is my first language.

and i've been good with the language practically my whole life.

my god.

stupid ass teacher.

my dad was so funny.

he said uk got no standard.

lol.

i think he's right man.

stupid teacher.

and the teacher said, "i won't even bother to read it. but if u wrote that in the exam, u'd get like a 100%."

fine.

since he said that, i'll forgive him.

but i'm pissed.

oh boy am i pissed.

well, i finally found a fren who's in the same class as u-know-who!

haha.

i am mad.

god, he is absolutely gorgeous.

valentine's day next week.

yup, that's right.

time to crawl into a hole in my room wall and plaster myself in.

i hate the sight of lovey-dovey couples, especially on that day.

makes me wanna kill.

ugh.

another year all alone on V-day.

that makes 17 years.

or 18 actually.

sigh.

happy chinese new year! yeah right...

2006-01-29T05:30:00.000-08:00

well, chinese new year again.

how time flies.

but this year, here i am in london.

no ang pows.

sob.

cny in london is pathetic.

even in chinatown.

they put up these sad little red lanterns.

i mean, put up something more pathetic, why don't u?

just got back from shopping.

man, i didn't buy anything at all!

wow, self-control to the max man.

it hards to type, now that my fingers are frozen hard.

it is effing cold today.

wanted to buy more warm clothes but they're all so darn expensive.

and those beautiful sparkling red shoes i so wanted to get were way beyond my budget.

25 big, gigantic pounds.

dang.

we (sophy, shu rong, lavinia, katie and i went to covent garden, chinatown and oxford street today.

lots to look, but nothing much to buy.

had pizza at a classic pizza parlour down oxford street.

man, lavinia is such a big eater.

9 slices of pizza.

plus lots of other stuff too.

and not an inch of fat on her.

bloody unfair man.

well, i know his name now.

i know his nationality.

i know his course.

i know he's cute.

i know he's got brains too.

but what good does that do me?

sigh.

he's too perfect.

a gorgeous Adonis with brains.

can u imagine?

a place waiting for him in london school of economics already.

god.

whoever he chooses as his girlfriend will be the luckiest girl on earth.

sigh.

well saturday night and here i am stuck in my room again.

listening to sad love songs.

doing effing homework that my bloody ass of a teacher gave us.

lookin forward to tmr.

gonna have a class steamboat party.

i have a sudden longing for home.

i miss everyone at home so much.

all my frens too.

man i can't even have my usual cny celebrations with my frens over at my house.

urgh.

heartbreak lullaby

2006-01-27T01:46:00.000-08:00

In the still of the night

I can almost feel you lying next to me

Like it used to be

And it's hard to let go

When there's always something there reminding me

How things could be

I've tried to get you off my mind

I've tried to play my part

But every time I close to my eyes

You're still inside my heart

Why can't I laugh

Why must I cry?

Everytime we say goodbye

Why does it rain

Here in my heart

Everyday that we're apart

Why can't it be

Just you and me

What will it take to make you see?

These are the words

To my heartbreak lullaby

Like the stars in the sky

You still keep on shining down your light on me

but out of reach

And I know that in time

You will come back to your senses, see the signs

And change your mind

I try to look the other way

And keep my heart on hold

But every time I'm close to you

I lose my self control

Why can't I laugh?

Why must I cry?

Everytime we say goodbye

Why does it rain

Here in my heart

Everyday that we're apart

Why can't it be

Just you and me

What will it take to make you see?

These are the words

To my heartbreak lullaby

Why can't I laugh

Why must I cry

Give me just one good reason why

Why does it rain?

Here in my heart

Everyday that we're apart

Why can't it be

Just you and me

What will it take to make you see?

These are the words

To my heartbreak lullaby

Why can't I laugh?

Why must I cry?

Everytime we say goodbye

Why does it rain

Here in my heart

Everyday that we're apart

Why can't it be

Just you and me

What will it take to make you see?

These are the words

To my heartbreak lullaby

These are the words

To my heartbreak lullaby

- a*teens -

this one got me cryin for days on end...

2006-01-25T16:05:00.000-08:00

watch this... funny shit...

2006-01-25T15:52:00.000-08:00

S.H.O.W. me!

2006-01-25T07:15:00.000-08:00

i'm giving up, moving on.

too slow for me, man.

like what eliza doolittle, played by the legendary audrey hepburn, said in the all-time classic my fair lady.

"Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that

This is no time for a chat!"

if u're in love, show me!

Don't waste my time, show me!

show me!

sigh.

i give up.

at this rate, i'll be a singleton all my damn bloody life.

yup.

just a pathetic loser.

just when it was so close.

guess it just wasn't meant to be.

sigh.

oh wells.

hopefully someone else just as good or better will come along.

sooner rather than later.

questions that got me thinking...

2006-01-24T03:43:00.000-08:00

fuck it.

why do the bloody caucasian guys have to look so goddamn handsome/cute/gorgeous?

and why do the stupid ass caucasian girls (a.k.a. bitches) have to looks so perfect/model-like/beautiful?

these are some of life's unanswerable questions.

i've got a couple more.

1. why do u always have to fall for the most gorgeous guys?

2. why do guys always make u think that they like u, and then they don't do a damn thing to show their interest?

3. why do guys always fool with girls' hearts?

4. do guys enjoy doing that? (see 3.)

5. why do the ugliest girls get the best looking guys around?

6. are those guys blind? (see 4.)

7. do girls like me remain single all their life?

8. why do girls like me attract ugly, disgusting, pathetic guys?

9. is it because we are ugly, disgusting and pathetic too?

10. why do guys have to look so good and break the hearts of the girls around them?

11. why are guys so immune to a girl's feeling for them?

12. are guys brainless, or just totally clueless?

13. why are all the hottest guys already taken?

14. what did those guys' girlfriends do to get them?

15.what must one do to hook the cutest, nicest, sweetest, most popular guy in the school?

anyone who can answer all my above questions will be a total genius.

anyone who gives me advice for question15, and i actually do manage to even get close to the cutest, nicest, sweetest, most popular guy in school, without embarrassing myself, u will be my new best friend.

true story

2006-01-22T04:59:00.000-08:00

never have lyrics been more apt for me.

Dear diary

Today I saw a boy

And I wondered if he noticed me

He took my breath away

Dear diary

I can't get him off my mind

And it scares me

'Cause I've never felt this way

No one in this world

Knows me better than you do

So diary I'll confide in you

Dear diary

Today I saw a boy

As he walked by

I thought he smiled at me

And I wonder

Does he know what's in my heart

I tried to smile,

but I could hardly breathe

Should I tell him how I feel

Or would that scare him away

Diary, tell me what to do

Please tell me what to say

Dear diary

One touch of his hand

Now I can't wait to see that boy again

He smiled

And I thought my heart could fly

Diary, do you think that we'll be more than friends?

I've got a feeling we'll be so much more than friends

- britney spears-

dreams...

2006-01-22T04:05:00.000-08:00

i should stop dreaming.

u're too beautiful for me.

you're almost perfect.

i feel lucky enough just to see u.

my day can be lousy like shit but when u appear my mood lifts again.

just that one minute is great.

i can't get enough of u.

who are u?

where do u come from?

what are ur dreams?

i wanna know all about u.

i see ur face everywhere i go.

i feel like i'm walking on air.

i don't care what people say.

u're perfect.

like a michelangelo.

i'm still asleep aren't i?

this feels like a dream.

god, u have such a cute ass.

but u're never gonna know that.

at least not from me.

i love ur hair.

trust me, u don't look stupid.

don't hide it with ur cap.

it looks perfect as it is.

u're the epitome of a perfect gentleman.

i thought chivalry had been all but dead.

now i know that's not true.

u're sweet as sugar.

so kind and caring.

everyone can't help but like u.

u're just so endearing.

i think i'm in love.

2006-01-18T06:34:00.000-08:00

How you really say "I love you." by lenatheraven
Name
...believe in true love?
Your hands say	I'm always here even if you have to reach for me.
Your eyes say	You're amazing.
Your hugs say	I promise I will try to keep you safe.
Your kisses say	I am addicted to you.
Your body says	I want to wake up beside you.
Your heart says	Te amo.

Quiz created with MemeGen!

fairytales

2006-01-18T06:22:00.000-08:00

ooh storytime!

picture this scenario in ur head.

the setting sun, an orangey-pinkish glow in the sky.

it's chilly, the soft breeze is blowing.

a girl emerges from within the warm depths of a building, weary from a really boring class.

she waves goodbye to her frens who are gathered in reception area.

she hugs her books and papers to her chest, pulling her jacket closer to her, head bent low.

up ahead, she spots two figures walking together, two guys.

one has bleached hair, the other is asian.

"do you have alot of homework today?"

she can't help overhearing the hong kong guy.

she's a couple steps behind them only now.

"they're walking too slow!"

she thinks, irritated, already late for an appointment with her fren to go shopping.

she walks slightly faster, overtaking the two guys, a little hindered because she is wearing heels and it's hard to walk quickly without risking embarassing herself by tripping over.

the asian guy glances at her.

"haha! i know what u're thinking man!"

he says to the blond russian guy, laughing.

she looks back.

the russian guy looks directly at her.

overwhelmed, she quickly looks away, cursing herself for doing so immediately.

she hurries to her block.

before entering she glances up casually.

the russian guy strides towards his block purposefully.

before he enters, he looked over his shoulder at her again.

she rushes in, partly cos it's cold, partly cos... well, u know.

hmm.

i wonder what that was all about.

dreams, i suppose.

sales make me happy

2006-01-16T01:11:00.000-08:00

just got back from oxford street in central london.

the underground is actually pretty easy to use, once u get the hang of it.

man, oxford street is so happening!

lots of my favourite shops there.

fcuk?

two floors.

Dorothy Perkins?

three floors.

Topshop?
four bloody floors, man.

it was shopping heaven.

bought two bags from Dorothy Perkins.

on sale. (duh.)

buy one get one free.

two for 5pounds.

how could i resist?

bought a sheer pink nail polish from some cosmetics store.

and a pen from a stationary shop.

stuff is quite reasonable.

practically all the shops were having sales.

i almost bought a cream coloured sweater from Mango.

it was so cheap!

only 5pounds!

but i had to control my spending.

sob.

shopping trip...

2006-01-15T00:05:00.000-08:00

hi all, just got back from a shopping trip.

went to asda, which is almost the equivalent to carrefour or giant back home.

bought my groceries and a new shirt and purse.

i love the shirt!

it's grey with sequins on the front.

the best thing?

it only cost me 3pounds.

less than S$10!

great bargain.

we had to take 2 buses there.

and i didn't know the way.

but one of the girls we went with asked the school for directions.

we got on the bus (which cost a freakin' $1.50)

that girl is such a whiner!

oh my god.

let me tell u about this girl first.

she's in my class (of all bad luck)

but who asked me to have a soft heart and pity her when everyone like avoided her.

cos she's so bloody talkative.

she doesn't care if people are listening at all.

she just pushes ahead like a bulldozer.

so anyway, she goes on whining on the bus that, oh my god, i'm getting really worried now, i think we should get off now, oh my god, i'm really panicking now.

i was like relax man.

to her, it's being precautious.

to me, it's being anal.

u're a fucking pain in the ass.

stay the fuck away from me.

update for everyone back home...

2006-01-12T06:37:00.000-08:00

been busy the past few days.

well, i'm pretty settled here already.

quite happy with my room, except from the fact that it is mousehole tiny.

and that the bloody smoke detector goes off each time i finish taking a shower cos they installed it so freakin' near the bathroom.

tell me, does that make sense?

i mean, use ur brain.

which idiot installs a smoke detector so near the bathroom?

do they expect me to shower with cold water?

i'll pour cold water on them.

see how they like it.

it is bloody cold here.

well, let's see.

what news do i have?

hmm.

one of the teachers here is cute.

understandably, he's the social activities teacher.

haha.

ok, cheryl, don't get any ideas.

i got my timetable today.

quite slack, actually.

like, for example, tomorrow, i don't have morning classes at all.

i only have one class, british culture, which starts at like 2.45pm uk time.

and i end at 4.45pm.

so that's a total of 2 hours of class tomorrow.

but of course there are days which are packed.

like monday and friday(bloody hell!), i have classes starting at 9.15am and ending at 4.45pm, with only 1 hour lunch break in between.

but the teacher usually gives breaks too.

and their breaks aren't like the ones singapore teachers give.

nope, not just 5min or 10min, but 20min!

and the teacher even comes back late.

marvellous.

well, the friends part is coming along fine.

i now have an international phone book.

hong kong, china, malaysia, japan, korea, vietnam, kazakhstan(i think that's how it's spelt).

everyone's pretty nice.

some are not very friendly though.

but i guess everyone's feeling a little weird, so that's ok.

well gtg pretend to sleep now.

can u believe it?

the residence supervisor comes round at 11pm to check on u.

tell me about it man.

absolutely no privacy.

hello from london to all

2006-01-10T04:02:00.000-08:00

it's cold like shit here.

i hate the weather in london.

it is rainy, cold and just gloomy.

dismal weather.

well, i don't have much to write.

just wanna say hi to everyone back in sunny, hot, tropical weather singapore.

god i miss the heatstroke-causing temperature in good ol' singapore.

oh wells.

made a friend at school.

notice it's "a friend" not "friends".

ppl here are cold, like the weather.

well, i gotta go now.

oh n one more thing.

the time i put here will be s'pore time too.

i'm too lazy to deal with the time difference crap.

so long, farewell...

2006-01-04T13:18:00.000-08:00

good things happen slowly.

thanks for the sms.

now i know u were thinking of me.

sigh.

hope u know too that u're always on my mind.

oh wells.

today's the day.

this'll be my last post until i get to london.

just wanna say goodbye to everyone i didn't already say goodbye to.

take care guys.

i'm gonna miss all of u.

damn i hate this feeling.

i think i'm gonna cry all the way on the plane.

and to think i'm flying alone.

and i'm scared of flying too.

great.

well gtg now.

so long, all.

keep in touch.

in love with love...

2006-01-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

i'm back from egypt.

man, i really didn't wanna leave at all.

egypt is a great place.

i love it.

i'm definitely going back there again someday.

this has been the best vacation ever.

i swear to god, i never wanna forget this vacation.

i had the greatest time.

thanks to u.

i hope it wasn't just an illusion.

well actually i think we both know that there was something.

something truly special.

something deep.

and the best thing of all?

i think it was mutual.

the stars in luxor were beautiful.

even though it was freezing up on deck.

but it was worth it.

i enjoyed every single moment with u.

u made everything even more wonderful with your presence.

never mind that ur brother caught u whilst u were sneaking out to meet me at midnight.

knowing that u were willing to risk ur ass just to meet me is good too.

although it would've been terrific if we could have spent all night up on deck together.

but u made up for it by sitting with me in the bus the next morning.

oh man.

i miss u so bad.

it's illogical and irrational.

but it's true.

u are one lucky idiot.

morocco's nice.

too bad i can't be there.

with u.

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...

2005-12-18T17:05:00.000-08:00

how i wish sunny singapore had snow.

it is so freakin' hot nowadays.

and it's supposed to be the winter season.

at least that's what all the shopping malls say.

spent my saturday totally carefree and wild.

my parents were out of town.

they went to medan, indonesia.

that explains it, huh?

haha.

anyway, they went off around 7am, so i woke up to say goodbye.

usually i would've just gone straight back to bed.

i mean, which person wakes up at 7am on a cold saturday morning if they've got nothing on?

but i didn't.

haha.

played the sims2 all the way till it was time for me to meet haiqal at siglap macs for breakfast.

after that went with my aunt and cousins and kelvin to kim keat road to do some eye check up thingie.

stupid la.

wasted my time when i could've been shopping.

then i didn't know how to get to orchard from that place, but a nice lady told me how to get there by bus.

it's not often u meet such nice people.

thanks.

met up with guan at orchard mrt.

went shopping yesterday.
bought lots of stuff.
yay!
- black pointy toed high heels trimmed with lace from far east plaza (my fave buy!)
- olive green spaghetti strap top from Mango
- black mesh pouch from takashimaya
- jeans from far east plaza

a huge thank you to guan.
thanks for accompanying me whilst i shopped yesterday along orchard road.
really appreciate it.
i know i've said thank you like a gazillion times,
but seriously man, no guy was this willing to shop with me ever before.
and definitely no guy has ever told me to try on shoes repeatedly to see how they looked.
what can i say man?
u're a metrosexual.
but it's not a bad thing.
makes girls like u more.
haha.

thanks

2005-12-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

stupid visa.

couldn't get it done today.

bloody pissed.

hopefully i can get it done by tomorrow.

PLEASE.

i'll be flying off to Egypt next friday.

can't wait!

hope it's nice there.

ok.

update for last week.

had my party last friday.

boy, did i have fun!

thanks to everyone who came!

ok, now, special thanks to some special people!

*******************************

mei ying

thank u so much for the beautiful charm bracelet u gave me.

i love it very much.

and about what biondi said, that it's 3 for $10, don't worry.

i know it probably cost u a fortune.

but even if it was 3 for $10, i wouldn't care.

i would still cherish and treasure it, just because u gave it to me.

i won't ask u not to cry or tell u not to miss me.

the tears will come inevitably.

i myself will miss u terribly.

even though i find it hard to cry, i still will weep when the time comes.

so thanks again for your lovely gift, and love ya lots!

*******************************

guan

thanks for all ur help that day, doing the barbequeing and stuff.

my cousins are totally taken by u.

haha.

thanks for keeping them entertained.

oh yeah!

and thanks for the paper iPod! haha!

dunno what happened to it, though.

i think sarah destroyed it.

i'll see ya this saturday for shopping alright?

*******************************

Haiqal

thanks for the non-alcoholic champagne!

really nice!

u've been really sweet and generous and friendly.

i couldn't have made a better friend this year.

i'm grateful for that.

thanks.

breakfast at macs this sat at 8.30am, yeah?

*******************************

Hafiz

thanks for the beautiful red rose!

i'm really blessed to meet such a nice person like u.

your sms really touched me.

it's been a real pleasure getting to know u.

all the best to ur future endeavours too, and u take good care of urself alright.

stay in touch ok?

p.s. ur girlfriend is really pretty! haha! i'm glad to see u so happy now.

*******************************

Teck Teng

thanks for ur presents!

i'll really treasure them.

yeah, even the plunger. haha.

it's been great getting to know u.

i know i made things real complicated in the middle part of the year, but u're not one to bear grudges right?

sorry if i made it really awkward for u.

anyway, thanks for ur words of encouragement and such.

u're right.

i have been given a second chance.

i won't lose this opportunity again.

u're someone special to me (u know what i mean. i'm not typing it here.)

and even though it all didn't work out, it's ok.

it's been a privilege of mine to know u.

but just for clarification, i'm not waiting or harbouring any hope anymore.

u've pretty much stated it in black and white already.

well, all the best to u, and take care!

*******************************

alright, more special thanks another day.

gtg, before my mom yells at me again!

so kiss me and smile for me...

2005-12-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

gosh.

everyone's giving me their well-wishes and their blessings.

man.

this makes it all the more hard to leave.

i don't wanna leave.

but yet some part of me does.

going there means opening up so many doors for me, so many opportunities that i would otherwise not have.

but going there also means that i'm closing the window (temporarily) that i've always had open as an emergency hatch.

you could call it my comfort zone.

only a couple weeks more, and i'll be out of it.

out in the harsh cold reality that the world is.

i've been so sheltered, i don't even know what to expect.

but i guess that's what life is all about, stepping into the open from under your shell and just keep going, even if you have completely no idea where you're headed.

it feels like i'm gonna be leaving a huge part of me behind.

but i know that there's a lot waiting for me out there too.

whether good or bad, i don't know.

but i certainly wanna try my hand at it.

going there isn't gonna be a piece of cake.

i have to live up to so many people's expectations.

circumstances have changed now.

no more taking things for granted.

we're talking $7000 a month.

that's no small paltry sum.

and that's not even including my other expenses and airfare.

so things will different.

it'll be hard, but i'm sure i can do it.

i don't think i'm a strong person.

i have my weaknesses too.

i am flawed, just like every human on this planet, maybe even more than some.

that's gonna have to change too.

one person i really admire, even though i really hate to have to admit this, is none other than my mom.

sure, she gives me hell.

but she is one strong-willed woman.

and i can learn so much from her.

she is afraid of nothing.

well, almost nothing.

except cockroaches

but that's not the point.

the point is, if i could be half as brave and strong and responsible as my mom, i'd count myself tremendously lucky.

man, i'd be so embarrassed if anyone reads this.

anyway, sorry for deviating.

back to the subject.

i'm gonna be leaving alot of people i hold dear and close to my heart.

mom, dad, meiying, guan, cherri, teck teng, charmaine, and a whole lot more.

heck, even kelvin.

this blog would go for pages if i wrote down every single of friends' names.

thank you to each and everyone of you.

each of you have touched my life in your own special and unique way.

and i will never forget.

i couldn't, even if i wanted to.

and by the way, it's nice to know someone will be there to catch me when i fall.

i'm leaving on a jet plane...

2005-11-27T18:09:00.000-08:00

sorry i haven't been blogging for so long again.

been really busy and preoccupied with emotional stuff as well.

from the looks of it, my days are gonna be even more packed.

alright, first on the agenda.

i'm going away for vacation with my parents on the 23rd december.

we're going to egypt!

ok, next, i'm gonna be having a christmas party on the 9th of december.

so i hope that 05S213 has all received the message about it.

hope y'all can make it!

i'll let u all know the timing and my address by sms when everything's settled.

lastly, and most importantly, i'll be going to london in january to study at bellerbys college.

i'm really sad to leave my family and all my good friends behind, especially my best friend.

it's really exciting to go, but i'll feel really homesick.

i'll be all alone there.

so if i fall sick, i have no one to turn to.

i have to fend for myself.

if i have any relationship problems, i won't even have anyone to turn to.

i mean, there's still msn.

but it just isn't the same.

so this blog will be used as a form of communication as well.

please please please leave messages on the tagboards if u guys visit.

u have no idea how much that would mean to me.

**************************************

finally, this is for u.

u know who u are.

i don't blame u for feeling the way you do.

i probably would feel the same if u were the one going away.

please don't think of it as me abandoning u.

cos that is definitely not the case.

i love you unconditionally.

and you know that even if i'm not here physically, i'll always be there for u spiritually.

i know it's not quite the same, but i do hope u can try to understand.

i'm sorry that u feel the way u do now.

and i know that probably whatever i say, u won't wanna listen.

but it really saddens me.

but i don't blame u.

i never did, never will.

but just know this: i will never give up our friendship.

never.

i know i've hurt u tons before.

and my leaving is the ultimate last straw.

but i really hope that u will find it in your heart to talk to me before i go.

it hurts to know that u're avoiding me.

believe me, i never meant to hurt u.

but this is just something i gotta do with my life.

i know i'm being selfish for thinking that way.

but i really do hope that u can try and understand my situation.

for now, knowing that u care for me enough to feel this way, i thank u for that.

i'm not gonna say, and never will say, that this friendship is over.

because it never will be.

and i definitely will not allow it.

we've had good times and bad.

i want you to remember all the good memories.

i'll take the tears in this relationship.

because i don't want u to hurt anymore.

**************************************

knock yourselves out...

2005-11-23T00:52:00.000-08:00

sorry i haven't been blogging.

a whole lot of stuff happened all at the same time.

plus, i haven't been in exactly the best of moods.

went to watch Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire at Orchard Cineleisure on monday.

brought my younger cousins.

never ever again.

enough said.

daniel radcliffe is hot! even though he's young. god, he is super cute.

the actors who played cedric diggory and victor krum aren't bad either.

and emma watson, who plays hermione granger in the movie, is blossoming into a beautiful young lady.

man, she is hot.

what i wouldn't give to look like her.

recently i've been facing alot of heat from all sides.

my mom's her usual self, snapping and nagging at me, finding fault with practically everything i do.

my dad's better. at least he bought me three tops on saturday.

- pale pink v-neck tee

-black racer back top

-white round-neck tee

my brother's a bloody pain in e posterior, acting all goody-goody around my mom.

and as usual, my mom, being e nitwit she is, sucks it all up readily.

like what the fuck.

i'm sorry, i really don't mean to be vulgar and diss my mom publicly, but i'm really damn bloody pissed off.

whatever happened today is just far too long a story to go into the delicate details.

i find that slowly, i have absolutely no one to confide in.

my brother is such a tattletale i don't trust him AT ALL.

my mom? FORGET IT.

my dad is far too busy.

my friends are all too busy or too preoccupied with their own lives to even care about mine.

so yeah, i have no one.

it's just me, myself and i.

oh joy.

there u go.

an update.

just as requested.
that's what i do.

i just give people what they want, even though i get nothing back in return.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When you get caught in the rain with no where to run

When you're distraught and in pain without anyone

When you keep crying out to be saved

But nobody comes and you feel so far away

That you just can't find your way home

You can get there alone

It's okay

What you say is

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own

And I know that I'm strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down

Don't you dare give in

You will arise safe and sound

So keep pressing on steadfastly

And you'll find what you need to prevail

What you say is

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own

And I know that I'm strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

And when the rain blows

As shadows grow close

Don't be afraid

There's nothing you can't face

And should they tell you

You'll never pull through

Don't hesitate

Stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain

I can stand up once again

On my own

And I know that I'm strong enough to mend

And every time I feel afraid

I hold tighter to my faith

And I live one more day

And I make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain

And stand up once again

And I live one more day

I can make it through the rain

Yes you can

You're gonna make it through the rain

-Mariah Carey-

feelin' better

2005-11-08T00:15:00.000-08:00

life seems to be looking up now.

i think life doesn't seem like such a chore when u don't think about all the problems u've got.

had pw in school today.

xavier made the model.

very nice.

the group's gonna come over to my house tomorrow to fix it up properly.

it's kinda falling apart now.

went to SIM with my parents today.

probably gonna end up doing the business management course there.

it is so far from my house.

but the campus is really nice.

helped dad do some filing at his office before rushing off to meet my friends.

met up with zhiyi and freesia outside british india at orchard.

missed teck teng cos he had to go off to work.

they'd gone for jap buffet before i came.

thank god.

i am already so fat as it is.

went shopping.

it is not fun to shop when there are no sales.

i am such a cheapskate.

but there u go.

i'm a poor, starving student with stingy parents.

bought a green straw bag, a bronze bead bracelet, and a gauzy green scarf from hula &co.

far east plaza has lots of cheap, pretty stuff.

especially shoes!

i have a fetish for shoes.

i must go soon again to buy shoes.

i hope mom lets me go macritchie with the gang to jog.

i seriously need exercise.

i had to jump when i was putting on my jeans.

unbelievable.

pleading desperately

2005-11-02T22:44:00.000-08:00

u call urself a good parent?

u would even deprive ur daughter her happiness.

what kind of parent compromises her child's happiness for getting her own way?

i don't believe it.

sure, i've flunked out of junior college.

sure, i've disappointed u.

sure, u don't get to brag to all ur frens with their clever kids and president scholarships about me.

sure, i've made the whole family lose face.

sure, i'm a loser and a failure in life.

sure, i'll never ever make it big, never ever become anything.

but it's not like it's the end of the world.

what really saddens me is that u're willing to trade ur daughter's happiness for getting ur own way.

is winning the argument so important to u?

will compromising do u any harm?

don't u see?

the more u try to restrict me, it's just gonna make me wanna break free of u even more.

it just makes me wanna rebel.

u just don't get it, do u?

by saying no to everything i want is not gonna help.

it's just gonna make me hate u even more.

sure, u probably have my interests at heart.

but is it really necessary to go about it this way?

seriously, think about it.

wouldn't everyone be happy if there was give and take?

i can't give too much, and frankly speaking, u're taking to much.

what exactly do u want from me?

i always end up doing what u want.

i never have any one thing that i can really call my very own.

i have no identity whatsoever.

is that what u want?

u never listen to what i say.

why?

cos u're busy bulldozing ur way into other people's lives, telling them what to do.

u wanna control everything.

what i wear, what i eat, who my friends are, even what hairstyle i have.

in that case, better get a robot daughter.

i don't like and will never like being restricted and controlled.

is it any of ur business what people wanna do?

it's their life.

like it's my life.

leave me to live the life i want.

don't make me run.

u gave me life.

don't take it away.

a love that will last...

2005-10-31T18:44:00.000-08:00

today's the first day i can actually look at u without feeling like killing myself.

perhaps i'm getting over u.

i can think of u without feeling sad.

not that i will forget u.

because i never will.

but i'm quite sure u wouldn't want me to pine after u.

*******************************************

I want a little something more

Don't want the middle or the one before

I don't desire a complicated past

I want a love that will last

Say that you love me

Say i'm the one

Don't kiss and hug me and then try to run

I don't do drama

My tears don't fall fast

I want a love that will last

I don't want just a memory

Give me forever

Don't even think about saying good-bye

Cuz i just want one love to be enough

And remain in my heart till i die

So call me romantic

Oh i guess that is so

There's something more that you oughta know

I'll never leave you

So don't even ask

I want a love that will last

Forever

I want a love that will last

I don't want just a memory

Give me forever

Don't even think about saying good-bye

Cuz i just want one love to be enough

And remain in my heart till i die

So there's just a little more than i need

I wanna share all the air that you breathe

I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past

I want a love that will last

Forever

I want a love that will last

Always I just want a love that will last

Want a love that will last

-renee olstead-

*******************************************

yup.

i want a love that will last.

watched Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement.

i love this movie!

anne hathaway is so beautiful!

callum blue is cute!

chris pine is HOT!!!

oh my god.

if all the men looked like chris pine, or even something close to that, it would be too soon.

sigh.

but this kinda thing belongs in fairy tales.

it is extremely rare that u find such encounters in the real world.

such a pity.

i'm torturing myself by watching all this sappy rom-coms.

Notting Hill, Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, There's Something About Mary.

i should stop.

this is for u...

2005-10-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

u know who u are.

*********************************************

thank you.

thank you for the memories.

we've had good times.

i'll never forget u.

as much as u must hate me now for what i did to u, i hope u can find it in ur heart to forgive me.

i wish things could've been different.

if only our situations were different, maybe we'd be together now.

i really do hope u can forget all those hurtful things i said to u before.

seriously, i never meant to say such hateful words.

they were only said in a moment of stupid anger.

i hope that perhaps we'll be as close as we once were one day.

i don't know when that day will come, or if it ever will.

but till then i'll pray for our friendship to once again become whole.

i'll miss u, even if i don't show it.

hope we can keep in touch.

*********************************************

beautifully broken

2005-10-29T00:07:00.000-07:00

It seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky

It seems like yesterday I didn't know how hard I could cry

It feels like tomorrow I may not get by

But I will try

I will try

Wipe the tears from my eyes

I'm beautifully broken

And I don't mind if you know it

I'm beautifully broken

And I don't care if I show it

Everyday is a new day

I'm reminded of my past

Everytime there's another storm

I know that it won't last

Every moment I'm filled with hope 'cause I get another chance

But I will try

I will try

Got nothing

Left to hide

I'm beautifully broken

And I don't mind if you know it

I'm beautifully broken

And I don't care if I show it

Without the highs and the lows

Where would we go

I'm beautifully broken

And I don't mind if you know it

I'm beautifully broken

And I don't care if I show it

**************************************************************************

i guess that's it then.

i won't be returning to mjc next year.

i'll be leaving behing all my friends.

it's really so sad.

it took so much combined effort and a really long time to form such a friendship.

and now, all within a matter of minutes, it's all gonna fall apart.

i really am gonna miss everyone dearly.

hope we will continue to be great friends and stay in touch.

****************************************************************************

in a way it's a good thing we're just friends now.

it makes leaving a whole lot easier.

but my heart is reluctant.

i know we'll never be anything more than friends.

i guess i gotta live with that.

i'll never forget u.

thank you for the good times.

****************************************************************************

When the show is over

And it's empty everywhere

It's hard to face going back alone

life's a bitch...fuck it...

2005-10-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

now i regret dreadfully.

but what can i do?

so many what ifs are swirling through my head.

what if i had worked a little harder?

what if i had done my tutorials faithfully?

what if i hadn't let my want of a relationship blindside me?

what if?

everyone's telling me, don't worry, u'll be fine.

somehow, i'm not convinced.

how can i not worry?

i'm being retained.

*****************************************

i wonder how u can live with urself after all those comments u said.

don't u feel even the least bit guilty for saying such nasty things?

ok fine, maybe u don't realise how hurtful those things u said are.

so a word of advice to u.

think twice, thrice, four times before u open ur mouth.

u might say something u'll regret the very next instant.

i don't know if u're trying to be funny or maybe u're just spastic.

but try that one more time and u'll be sorry.

my patience is running thin.

i've tolerated u for a very long time already.

so don't push ur luck.

and as for him, don't even think about it.

u'll never get him.

never.

******************************************

i'm looking at my options now.

seriously quite little, but it's something for the time being.

i'm reading a great book i borrowed from the library.

Along Came A Spider by James Patterson.

superb storyline, thrilling plot.

go read it.

nothing new

2005-10-26T23:42:00.000-07:00

i just watched a really touching movie.

Joan of Arc.

she was only 17.

the same age as me.

and she was leading an army of 12 000 men into battle.

god, just imagine.

****************************************

i've got things to say to a couple of people.

so here goes.

****************************************

maybe i'm starting to get over u.

or maybe i've just been so busy with work today that i didn't even have the time to think of u.

i still feel the pain.

it doesn't hurt as much anymore.

but only by a little bit.

i still hold on to you.

i just can't seem to let go.

today i felt like i was drowning.

u're cold.

i understand totally.

u wanna distance urself from me.

it's good in a way.

but my heart...

i'm being such a drama queen.

i wanna know why.

just tell me why.

why must u treat me so?

am i so detestable?

i know i'm fighting a losing battle here.

cos i'll never have ur heart.

i never did.

****************************************

what makes u think u're far superior than me?

what makes u think u're so perfect?

well, guess what?

u're not.

i couldn't win his heart.

what makes u think u can?

if i failed, what makes u think u can succeed?

i failed.

u definitely don't stand a chance.

don't mess with me.

i'm a great friend.

u don't want me for an enemy.

trust me on that.

so don't shoot ur mouth off to me.

u better watch what u say.

i know better now.

****************************************

why must u be so selfish?

can't u see that this kind of behaviour just makes people worry for ur sanity.

u want one thing after another.

u're never satisfied.

i don't think u'll ever be.

u've gotten so used to people bowing and scraping after u.

don't think u're queen.

cos u're not.

even queens know their limits.

good queens love one and all, not themselves.

i don't think u've ever gotten so much as a "no" for an answer practically ur whole life.

so here's one for u now, in answer to whether i'll ever forgive u for what u've done.

yeah, u guessed it.

NO.

****************************************

there.

a whole load off my chest.

i almost feel better already.

almost.

****************************************

Sometimes love is addiction

Sometimes it hurts like hell and

Sometimes you just can not get enough

2005-10-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Your French Name is:

Aimée Gautier

What's Your French Name?

2005-10-26T08:53:00.000-07:00

Your Hair Should Be Pink

Hyper, insane, and a boatload of fun.
You're a traveling party that everyone loves to follow.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

something different

2005-10-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

i've been in a deep funk these past few days.

the sky's clearing up a little.

but it's still overcast.

nothing i, or for that matter, anyone can do anything about.

****************************************

Knew the signs

Wasn't right

I was stupid for a while

Swept away by you

And now I feel like a fool

So confused

My heart's bruised

Was I ever loved by you

Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart

Out of reach, couldn't see

We were never meant to be

Catch myself from despair

I could drown if I stay here

Keeping busy every day

I know I will be OK

But I was

So confused

My heart's bruised

Was I ever loved by you

Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart

Out of reach, couldn't see

We were never meant to be

So much hurt, so much pain

Takes a while to regain what is lost inside

And I hope that in time, you'll be out of my mind

I'll be over you

But now I'm

So confused, my heart's bruised

Was I ever loved by you

Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart

Out of reach, couldn't see

We were never meant to be

Out of reach, so far

I never had your heart

In my reach, I can see

There's a life out there for me

-gabrielle-

*************************************

i am pissed off.

i wrote so much and stupid blogspot made my entire entry disappear.

why does everything going wrong when i'm down?

i'm just gonna write down what i can remember.

**************************************

i don't care what people say.

this wasn't a silly schoolgirl crush.

this was something different.

something more.

i let u go because i love you.

and u have no idea how reluctant i am to do so.

but it seems that i have no choice, after u put it that way.

it pains me to know that u belong to someone else.

she's lucky.

what can i say?

i'm just unlucky in love.

************************************

Love is an energy

Love is a mystery

Love is meant to be true

Love is a part of me

Love is the heart of me

Love is the best thing that we do

-ashlee simpson-

who will be the one to save me from myself?

2005-10-24T22:50:00.000-07:00

Still

you hurt me so,

but still i love you.

you tear my heart to shreds,

but still i love you.

people say i'm young, move on,

but still i hold on to the memory of you.

people say it isn't love,

but still i feel it is, no matter what they say.

my soul is distressed,

but still i cling on to you.

i wanna feel anger and hate you,

but i'm just not that sort of person.

all i feel is hurt and pain,

but still i love you.

Make Me

make me ill,

so medicine will cure me of you.

make me mad,

so i will feel angry and hate you.

make me drunk,

so the alcohol will make me numb.

make my mind empty,

so i will stop thinking of you.

make me blind,

so i won't see anything that reminds me of you.

make me deaf,

so i won't hear the songs we both love.

make me mute,

so i won't speak a word about you.

make me lose all my senses,

so i will finally get over you.

******************************************************

these are 2 poems i wrote whilst i sat and dreamed of days gone by and days to come.

being unable to voice out what i actually feel, i searched within myself the last vestiges of hope.

perhaps it isn't such a bad thing that this happened to me.

i try to keep telling myself that.

i try to pull myself out of the swirling vortex of my dark thoughts.

but i know, deep down, that i'm deceiving no one.

my sleep is fitful.

my dreams are dark.

i cry at night, when the world is asleep.

no one hears me.

loneliness.

the one thing that will ultimately kill me.

**************************************************

who's gonna catch me when i fall?

brine stinging my eyes

2005-10-24T01:20:00.000-07:00

day 3.

there's a heavy feeling in my heart.

when i walk, it's like my legs are made of lead, dragging my every step down.

i can't feel happy.

i can't make myself laugh.

sure, on the outside, i look happy and cheery, like nothing happened at all.

but inside, inside i'm hurting real bad.

it's like there's a tiny person using acid to scrub away ur name that's carved on my heart.

it's gonna take a long time for ur name to disappear, cos it's etched so deep.

so i guess i have to endure the pain.

c'est la vie.

that's life.

when i heard the lyrics of a chinese song of a drama serial, suddenly my heart gave a lurch.

the lyrics were so real.

i was living it.

correction.

i AM living it.

and it's killing me.

a translation of the song.

or at least one part of it.

my chinese sucks.

so sue me.

u insist that u don't want me to wait.

and so i quietly let you walk away.

tell me now, am i wrong to cry?

i'm hurting real bad. do you know?

i drive myself crazy

2005-10-23T01:14:00.000-07:00

i awoke feeling lost and unwanted.

it drags me down.

i didn't even wanna get out of bed.

i just wanted to sleep.

forever.

if it wasn't that i had to meet mei ying at white sands for breakfast, i probably would've just stayed in bed.

had macs for breakfast with mei ying and meixi.

there's seriously something wrong.

i shouldn't be eating excessively.

don't anyone dare come preach to me that i'm not fat.

i'm not in the mood to hear that.

had to go back to school for pw.

boring.

singapore's weather is stifling.

throw mj's pe shirt into the picture and even a cow can be suffocated.

went to uncle francis' house for dinner.

yummy!

my uncle is a great cook.

watched tv and talked on the phone with mei ying for awhile before i got screamed at to put down the phone.

today's the second day i'm without u.

and i don't like it.

i sit on my bed, just thinking of things, trying my hardest not to think of u.

but somehow, ur face just manages to appear in my mind.

and all of a sudden, everything becomes a blur and i see a mixture of colours in a spectrum.

suddenly i feel a pain in my heart, not physically.

i know this sounds so lame.

but that's the way it is.

I lie awake

I drive myself crazy

Drive myself crazy

Thinking of you

Made a mistake when I let you go, baby

I drive myself crazy

Wanting you the way that I do

over

2005-10-22T01:15:00.000-07:00

I watched the walls around me crumble
But it's not like I won't build them up again
So here's your last chance for redemption
So take it while it lasts 'cause it will end

And my tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye

I can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I'm dreamin' 'bout you
Honestly tell me that it's over
'Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
And I'll be the first to go
Don't want to be the last to know

I won't be the one to chase you
But at the same time you're the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
And the more I try to feel the less I'm whole

My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye

I can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I'm dreamin' bout you
Honestly tell me that it's over
'Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
And I'll be the first to go
Yeah I'll be the first to go
Don't want to be the last to know
Over over over

My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye

Can't live without you
Can't breathe without you
I'm dreamin' bout you
Honestly tell me that it's over
'Cause if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It won't be right if we're not in it together
Tell me that it's over
Tell me that it's over
Over

Honestly tell me
Honestly tell me
Don't tell me that it's over
Don't tell me that it's over

-lindsay lohan-

***********************************************

well i guess that's it then.

it's goodbye, i guess.

back to same humdrum life i live.

no more looking forward to tomorrow, when i can see ur face again.

thanks for brightening up my bad days with just ur appearance and a kind word.

i guess all this is over.

i thought i felt the vibes.

guess i was wrong.

once again.

they say if u love someone, u'll let him go.

so here i am, letting u go.

********************************************

just finished taking a nice long soothing shower after a depressing day.

woke up to shouting, nagging and long lectures.

at 6.30am.

i kid u not.

thankfully, my dad returns from medan tmr morning.

got the distressing news in the car, just as mom was scolding away.

seriously, that woman just cannot ever stop nagging. it's a bad habit.

i couldn't react, otherwise she would've become suspicious.

so i suffered in silence.

trust me, the feeling sucks bigtime.

mjc open hse today.

i am SO proud to be a meridian.

helped out at the class booth in the early part of the day, then went off gallivanting with friends.

guan and nick came. nice of them. sorry i had to make u guys wait so long and then ditch u guys.

my school is seriously fucked up.

mei ying and biondi came later.

there was the whole fiasco of mei ying's lost handphone.

went over to mei ying's house for dinner.

her mom is a fabulous cook.

hung out in her room, cried a bit over stuff and talked. i love long convos with my best fren.

watched Along Came Polly. jennifer aniston has a bod to die for!

then mom came to pick me up at 11pm.

is 11pm an "ungodly" hour?

seriously, man.

so now, it's back to the screaming and cussing.

yay.

time heals all wounds, no matter how deep.

i need eternity.

a wish yet to be fulfilled...

2005-10-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

i'm back to feeling sorry for myself again.

i really hate this feeling.

life was going so good.

what happened?

now everything's gone wrong.

i didn't want this to happen.

u raise me up amongst the clouds, only to bring me crashing down to earth again the very next minute.

don't u see?

u're on my mind wherever i go.

it's no use asking me to forget.

because i can't.

i just can't.

don't make me forget u.

u're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

and u don't let good things go.

ever.

************************************************

Of all the faces in the world

That I would like to see,

Yours is still the only one

That always comes to me.

For though I've travelled far and wide

And met with kings and queens,

Your golden laugh and sunny smile

Stay with me in my dreams.

-'The Sailor's Wish' Sweet Valley "Jessica's Blind Date"-

*************************************************

2005-10-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

You Are A: Duckling!

The cutest of the cute, these baby ducks are often spotted in the spring following closely behind their mother. As a duckling you will grow up quickly, becoming one of the adult ducks seen commonly in ponds and streams. Playful and timid, charming and vulnerable, ducklings are nature's very definition of innocence.

You were almost a: Puppy or a Chipmunk
You are least like a: Turtle or a Groundhog What Cute Animal Are You?

no... not again...

2005-10-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

i heard some devastating news today.

when i heard it, my heart just sank down.

Down to the deepest, coldest depths of the ocean.

it was like someone had whacked a ball into my gut, knocking the wind outta me.

i couldn't breathe.

i can't believe it.

why, oh why?

it's like i'm stuck in a bad movie.

one which has lots of reruns.

it's like i'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

i wouldn't have minded if it were someone else.

but not u.

why does it have to be u?

here i am, once again, i'm torn into pieces

fighter

2005-10-18T23:22:00.000-07:00

u have no idea who i am.

don't even begin to try and understand me.

don't make the mistake of underestimating me.

trust me, u don't wanna get on my wrong side.

don't assume u know me, cos u don't.

next time u think of saying something spiteful or hurtful, don't.

don't even bother.

cos stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

sure, i'm not perfect.

but then again, neither are u.

so what gives u the idea that u can try to snatch what's mine?

there are some things in this world u can't share.

all's fair in love and war.

i'll make bloody sure i win.

i'm no pushover.

so back off.

oh boy...

2005-10-18T00:24:00.000-07:00

oh joy!

had a brilliant day today.

this is what dreams are made of.

*****************************************************************************

Everytime you're near baby

I get kinda crazy in my head for you

I don't know what to do

And oh baby

I get kinda shaky when they mention you

I just lose my cool

My friends tell me

Somethin' has come over me

And I think I know what it is

I think I'm in love

Boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been doin' silly things when it comes to you

In love, boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been tellin' all my friends what I feel for you

Just the other night baby, I saw you hangin'

You were with your crew

I was with mine too

You took me by surprise

When you turn and look me in my eyes

Boy you really blow my mind

I don't know what's gotten into me

But, God, I think I know what it is

In love, boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been tellin' all my friends what I feel for you

I think I'm in love

Boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been doin' silly things when it comes with you

Somethin' strange has come over me

Got me goin' out of my mind

Never met a guy like you before

You make me feel special inside

I think I'm in love

Boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been doin' silly things when it comes to you

I think I'm in love

Boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been tellin'' all my friends what I feel for you

Boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been doin' silly things when it comes to you (goin' outta my mind)

I think I'm in love

Boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been tellin' all my friends what I feel for you

Boy I think that I'm in love with you

I've been doin' silly things when it comes to you

I think I'm in love

Boy I think I'm in love with you

I've been tellin' all my friends what I feel for you

- jessica simpson-

*******************************************************************************

god, please don't take this beautiful thing away from me.

not again.

love life

2005-10-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

i'm in love.

at least i think i am.

And i hope it all turns out good.

i love my life.

and this time, i'm not being sarcastic.

got a job at pastamania at plaza singapura with him.

we're not even sure if we're gonna work there.

the pay sucks bigtime. only $4 an hour. wtf.

we applied for a job at carrefour at ps too. hopefully we get it.

praying and hoping and wishing with all my heart

what's going on...?

2005-10-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

sometimes, good things happen.

i'm glad they do.

Baby, oh
Even in my heart I see
You're not bein' true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Quit playin' games with my heart (with my heart)
Before you tear us apart (my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart
I should've known from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearin' us apart (my heart, my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart

I live my life the way
To keep you comin' back to me
Everything I do is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
You better quit playin' games with my heart

Quit playin' games with my heart (with my heart)
Before you tear us apart (my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart
I should've known from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearin' us apart (my heart, my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart

Quit playin' games
Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong
Don't leave me hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not alright, let's stop this tonight

-backstreet boys-

this song says it all. if u're for real, tell me.

quit playing games with my heart.

let's just stop with all the guessing games.

even if there's absolutely nothing, tell me so i can get over u.

another song comes to mind. lindsay lohan's "Over".

but we'll just leave that till then. if it happens.

if anything good comes out of this, i won't even need to post those lyrics.

*smile*

went rollerblading today. yes, ur eyes r perfectly fine. that's right, i went rollerblading, even though i had utterly no clue how to rollerblade at all. e gang, except yilin n wenze went to east coast park to rollerblade. i had so much fun, even though my toe was just killing me. it was a memorable day.

are u serious?

i don't know.

think before u speak, cos u never know if someone will take u seriously or not.

please don't hurt me again.

cynical thoughts...

2005-10-11T01:33:00.000-07:00

have u ever had the feeling that u wanna do something to help someone but u know, deep down in ur heart, that u just can't?

well, i feel that way now.

And i'm hating myself to the core for it.

u think u really understand the people u've known practically ur whole life.

but in actual fact, u don't.

u think that the people u thought cared most about u would hardly have a spiteful word against u, and even if they had, it would've only been said in a moment of anger.

but truth be told, they don't give a fuck about u or ur feelings.

it's like i'm an invisible being, a sheet of glass, a ghost. some kind of phantom being.

they say that the worse kinda torture one can inflict upon another, and leave the deepest and most painful scarring, is neglect.

sheer, utter neglect.

nothing more, nothing less.

i never gave a thought about it before, why i always tolerated this shit.

perhaps i was deluded.

always thinking that tomorrow would be a better day.

"Tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya, tomorrow, u're only a day away"

what a load of crap.

no such thing.

everyday is just a battle of keeping the hope alive, that someday, things would get better.

i always thought i could roll with the punches.

u know, take life one step at a time, accept any challenges life had to offer.

guess i was sorely mistaken.

one thing leads to another.

i've been looking so hard for a long time.

some people just get it easier than others.

life just isn't fair.

there is no such thing as 'fair' in life.

if there was, there'd be no people starving in the streets, no racial discrimination, no crime, and a whole other bunch of stuff, probably too insignificant to get much attention anyway.

life's not fair, and that's the way things are.

some people get rich, some people get poor.

it's survival of the fittest, baby.

no matter how civilised we become, it all boils down to that simple rule.

no two ways about it.

u're probably thinking, why's this girl so cynical?

think about it.

if u lived my life, u'd feel the same way too.

wait a minute.

that's right, u don't know my life.

u don't even know me.

so don't fucking judge me.

i'll live my life the way i want.

i live by my rules.

no one else can tell me how to live my life.

besides, i'm not even wanted.

i never was, to begin with.

one more to go...

2005-10-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

great.

i'm supposed to be practising for my math paper on mon, but no, here i am sitting in front of the comp, typing this entry.

just read my bestie's blog. only got one thing to say man.

AWWW...

how come u're so eloquent with your words?

i could never come up with such nice things to say.

next time, i promise.

had math consultation today. no use. hardly did anything. ended up and borrowing dvds from the library. 8 Mile and Ned Kelly.

i love Eminem. He is SO hot.

i'm surprised my school library had 8 Mile stocked in their inventory.

i think the scriptwriter for the movie had a really easy time writing the script. practically every sentence was a vulgarity in itself.

can't wait for monday 11am to come. looking forward to hanging out with mei ying in the afternoon and the gang at night.

right now, it's back to work for me. i need more self-discipline.

if u're coming back into my life, please, don't hurt me again.

2nd day

2005-10-06T21:04:00.000-07:00

chem paper this afternoon. one word: fuck.

bio paper tmr. at 8am. and i don't remember a freakin' thing i scribbled on paper.

oh what a wonderful world i live in.

can't wait for e bloody exams to be over.

i'd be nuts not to.

will my heart ever stop leaping at the sight of you?

SIGH.

1st day...

2005-10-06T02:09:00.000-07:00

and so it begins. the mind-numbing hours of sitting in one position, endlessly scribbling and furiously writing down answers, some that make sense and some that are total nonsense. more often than not, they just happen to turn out to be absolute rubbish.

today was the first day of exams. don't get me wrong, i hate exams. i mean, who doesn't? but i feel sorta relieved that they've started. at least i can look forward to the end of the effing exams.

GP paper went relatively well today. thank god i read some of my notes the night before. really helped in my essay writing.

tomorrow is the chem paper. i am absolutely screwed. i can't, for the life of me, remember all the stuff i studied. holy crap. my exam is at 1pm tomorrow. i better get up early to cram. sigh.

what a positively exciting life i do lead.

i'm giving up, moving on...

2005-10-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

studied with e gang yesterday at starbucks. i am so gonna flunk my promos. sigh.
have u heard the story about a girl called Idiot? I'll tell u the story about a girl called Idiot. she walked into a cafe after lunch with a bunch of her friends, and who should she see sitting all by himself in a corner, but HIM. her heart leaps then sinks all the way down to the bottom of her shoes. she makes her escape, trying to calm herslf down. finally she makes her way back, trying to look cool and collected, but failing miserably. her friends all persuade her to make a move. she calms herself down and summons up her courage. she walks nonchalantly up to the counter and asks for whipped cream. she turns to HIM and casually says hi, and waves. HE looks up in astonishment and stares at her. finally he says hi and then looks down again, absorbed with his notes once more, leaving her feeling like a complete idiot. she grabs the cup of whipped cream and makes a dramatic exit, spinning on her heel and stalking back to her seat, where all her friends are laughing their asses off. she smiles weakly, trying not to show that she cared, even though she did. alot. and that was it. that was the moment. she suddenly realized that this just wasn't gonna work out. and so her heart decide to give it a rest, however reluctantly.
well, basically, to put it in much simpler terms,

Ffffuuuuuucccckkkk!

surreal

2005-09-30T01:22:00.000-07:00

it's surreal. yeah. but it only happens to beautiful actresses in movies like Bridget Jones's Diary and Notting Hill (i happen to love these 2 movies). never thought it would ever happen to ordinary ppl like me. but it's no big deal. because once again, i let the chance that God planted in my hands fly in the breeze. in the movies it always takes place in a coffee place. like starbucks. look at You've Got Mail. Meg Ryan didn't meet Tom Hanks up in some yucky old warehouse. Ok, so she had no idea it was her email correspondent, but still...
and so yes, it took place in starbucks. that's just about all i shall say here, seeing as i have no clue who knows about this blog. u never know these days, what with the tremendous magic of internet. one click of the mouse and boom, u're at the blog of your crush. or mortal enemy. whatever. fact is, u just never know who has access to your blog. so be careful of what u type. be very careful.
studied relatively well today. i know deep down that i really shouldn't be here typing this entry, since i vowed to myself not to use the computer till after my promos. but yet here i am. i have no willpower whatsoever. but what the hell. i deserve this little bit of indulgence. i've slogged almost the whole day today.
i am pooped. i should be, with all the mugging.

I see you

but i am invisible

...and so it begins...

2005-09-29T02:07:00.000-07:00

One crow sorrow

Two crows mirth

Three crows a wedding

Four crows a birth

Five crows silver

Six crows gold

Seven crows a secret

Which must never be told

alright. sorry bout that. just really liked that bit of rhyme. read it in one of the buffy the vampire slayer books at the library today. do not ask me why my choice of literature is so blah. i just happen to like books like that.

"Everything can be going along just great, and then one day - whack - you're blindsided. A lousy, crummy blow you didn't see coming."

again, sorry. this phrase is from a really sweet and sad story i read earlier on. it's called "Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas" by James Patterson. really touching story. it can make u cry buckets. u'd have to be made of stone not to tear (at least a little) when u read this book.

this phrase really stood out because it struck me that people can be so brutally honest sometimes, it hurts extra bad. they probably don't mean it, which makes it even worse, because it is just so mindless and unimportant to them. but it means alot to me. i'm always (well, most of the time) careful with my words, because i know that what i say may cut a person to shreds. but i guess not everyone has it in them to check what they wanna say before actually saying it.

well, my revision does seem to be making some sorta headway (keyword:sorta). guess my brain finally seems to be able to take the hint that promos are in less than a week's time. good. i hope.

went to starbucks with cherri to study today. not that i did much. vjc contains many (and i mean MANY) hot hot hot guys. seriously.

gonna study at starbucks with freesia, cherri n zhiyi tmr again. at the ungodly hour of 9am. followed by chem tuition at 4pm. i love my life.

life's trials and tribulations

2005-09-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

down with the flu. i feel god-awful. came home early today. went over to mei ying's house to hang out and have lunch. my best friend made lunch for me! even though it was just maggi mee. lol. i am mad.
my revision is practically non-existent. i really must buck up. i keep telling myself that but yet i do nothing about it. if i was that concerned, i wouldn't even be sitting here in front of my computer writing this. sigh. i'm such a failure in almost all aspects in my boring ol' life. my studies are so lousy, my love life... wat love life? sigh. it's enough to make one cry. but i'm strong. so i don't cry. at least not on the outside.
HE doesn't notice me. i haven't seen HIM for a long time. sigh. sometimes i think about it, why do i always fall for guys that i can't get? and why do i attract ugly toads and mountain trolls? sigh. maybe my expectations are too high. but i can't help it. who doesn't want a handsome, dashing Prince Charming?
i look at love with a different perspective now. either u find it or u don't. thing is, u gotta get ur ass out there n actually FIND it. don't give a fuck whether ppl think that i'm desperate. cos i'm not. so fuck off. what the hell do ppl define as desperate? seriously.
alright. i'm just gonna stop rambling here. nite all.

the countdown begins...

2005-09-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

12 more days. promos are just around the corner n i'm not bucking up. feel so stupid. the only subject i feel slightly more comfortable with is chemistry. sigh. i've got this feeling that there's e possibility of me retaining. but no negative thoughts. only good thoughts count.
went sakae sushi at e airport with my family ytd. yummy! love the sashimi sushi. ate like 5 plates of it. then of all things, mrs seng had to tell us this morning that salmon has mercury poisoning. right. how cheerful.
wonder how mei ying n guan n a whole bunch of other old frens are doing. really miss them like hell. nvm. abt 2 more wks n i can par-tay!
wonder how HE's doing. hvn't spoken to him in such a long time. maybe he's avoiding me. i can feel it in my bones. SIGH.
got a whole bunch of things i wanna do after promos with my frens. can't wait. man, i wish there were no such things like homework n exams. how fun school would be.

do u hv to look so darn good?

2005-09-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

life is funny. one day it's fine and dandy, the next, life throws u a wicked backhand that throws u across the room, slamming hard into the opposite wall. i question why, but there really isn't any one particular answer for that. it's one of those rhetorical questions that u ask just for the sake of asking. i've been feeling down and out for practically the whole day. don't ask me why, cos i dunno why myself. don't ask me if i'm ok or not. obviously i'm not. if only people wouldn't ask such dumb questions. if someone is looking like they just lost a million bucks, u don't ask them if they're alright. of course they're not. now i just sound unreasonable and ungrateful. already i have a diminishing number of frens n here i am being a total ingrate and, much as i would like to deny, a fucking brat. there r certain ppl out there who probably agree with that statement. n they wouldn't be wrong either. i've totally acted way out of proportion today. i sincerely apologize to all my friends who've had to tolerate my nonsense today. i promise i'll try to get it all outta my system asap n be back to my same old boring self. please don't ask me what's troubling me n all that. i would really much rather forget the whole damn thing. i'm getting pissed off n really very sick n tired of all this shit. i feel so fucked up. fuck. i hate my lame-ass, pathetic life. i've had nthing but shit the whole day. fuck it all.

don't walk away...u don't know the hurt u cause me...

2005-09-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

Take it back, take it all back now

The things I gave

Like the taste of my kiss on your lips

I miss that now

I can't try any harder than I do

All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you

I'm broken in two

All the things left undiscovered

Leave me empty and left to wonder

I need you

All the things left undiscovered

Leave me waiting and left to wonder

I need you

Yeah I need you

Don't walk away

Touch me now how I wanna feel something so real

Please remind me, my love

Take me back

'Cause I'm so in love with what we were

I'm not breathing

I'm suffocating without you

Do u feel it too?

All the things left undiscovered

Leave me waiting and left to wonder

I need you

All the things left undiscovered

Leave me empty and left to wonder

I need you

Yeah I need you

When I'm in the dark and all alone

Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door

It's there I know my heart is whole

There's a million reasons why I cry

Hold my covers tight and close my eyes

'Cause I don't wanna be alone

All the things left undiscovered

Leave me waiting and left to wonder

I need you

All the things left undiscovered

Leave me empty and left to wonder

I need you, I need you

'Cause I can't fake and I can't hate

But it's my heart that's 'bout to break

You're all I need I'm on my knees

Watch me bleed, would you listen please

I give in I breathe out, I want you

There's no doubt

I freak out, I'm left out, without you

I'm without

I cross out, I'm kicked out, I cry out, I reach out

Don't walk away, don't walk away, don't walk away, don't walk away

-ashlee simpson-

************************************************************************************************

i think the very last sentence just abt sums up my thoughts on this fateful afternoon.

walked right past, smiled n got stared at like some kinda freak show. absolutely brilliant. like a breeze, u juz brushed past me. u walked on by. do u even realise the hurt u cause me?

i'm being such a drama queen. so shoot me for liking someone so much.

studied in school with yilin, cherri n freesia after math make-up tutorial. so sad. mr ng won't be teaching us in jc2. that is, if i even promote to jc2. 2weeks left, n my revision is so blah. i'm so dead. sigh. anyway, we sat at one of the study benches outside the G.O. somebody was sitting rite opposite. great. i'm not gonna write out exactly what happened but the lyrics of the ashlee simpson song "undiscovered" should give u a pretty good idea of what happened at the end of it all. (if u wanna know, ask me. if i'm in a good mood, i might consider letting u know. ah, but who the hell do i think i am? as if ppl even wanna know. just shut up now.) sigh. not a glance. not a single glance.

blessings

2005-09-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

juz got home from orchard cineleisure. went to watch the brothers grimm with my family. great movie. i'm so in love with heath ledger! he is absolutely gorgeous! so charming. lol. 2day was a pretty nice day. except e last bit. i can't believe i missed e moment by a couple of seconds! omg!
i've learned something really important thing 2day too. it wasn't really nice to find out abt it, but i guess it's kinda good that i did. if not, i would not wise up. let's juz call it a blessing in disguise. i guess i was fooled. i feel so betrayed, like someone ripped my heart out, still warm and beating, n dumped it underwater. i thought i could hv it anywhere i went. but this kinda thing only happens very few times in my life, like darling mei ying n lisa n guan n a couple of other ppl, all of which i can count on one hand. they're e light of my life. don't know what i would do without them man. no kids about it. i miss u guys so much. sigh.

gravedigger, where art thou?

2005-09-14T00:04:00.001-07:00

juz got this new skin done... my eyes are so pain now... i've been staring at this computer for abt an hour already... sorry bout the words... abit hard to see... but i liked this skin cos it has the song player thingie... i am so computer illiterate... i dun even noe wat it's called... lol... i'll change the skin again after my promos... i know it's really difficult to read... but for now, i gotta do my work... so u guys hang in there... sorry if it spoils ur eyesight...
ooh one more thing... i feel god-awful... wish there was a trench deep enough for me to jump in n lie there forever... after wat happened the past few days, i guess things might've already hit rock bottom... but still, there are a couple shreds of hope left... so, i suppose all i can do is cling on to those, which might vanish anytime... so i gotta tread carefully... this whole thing is like a landmine... i never know when it might blow up in my face n rip my heart out...

choices in life

2005-09-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

studied on my own ytd. didn't do much. feel so utterly useless. mom n dad dropped me off in sch b4 heading off 2 work. as according 2 plan, i snuck out of sch n headed 2 e airport, where i sat at starbucks n sipped my fave coffee, caramel macchiato as i studied bio. enzymes. did very little. but it was sumthing i guess. then met up with my dearest best fren in e whole wide world n her poly fren, valerie. val's nice. mei ying went 4 her interview (she's getting a job at swensens at terminal 1, where val works). then we headed 2 terminal 2 for lunch. subway rawks! there was this cute guy serving us. lol. now every1 thinks i'm a flirt. like some guy already still look at other guys. well, i'm not. i juz appreciate beautiful things. haha. headed back 2 sch after tt. was all alone. i must hv looked so stupid sitting there all by myself trying 2 study. so decided 2 pack up n go hm. did absolutely nthing at hm. juz slacked all e way.

as for 2day, it's been really trying. i've been so lethargic n lazy e entire day, it's juz crazy. promos is in 3 wks flat, n my revision is so blah. i'm only gd at e last couple of topics. everything in front is blurry. i might as well face it. i hv abt, let's see now, 3 choices if i dun make it this yr. 1. drop out of jc n do a biomedical course in australia (want this, but i'll miss every1 back hm. n it's kinda scary 2 be in a forign country all by myself. i'm a little chicken at heart. lol.), 2. drop out of jc n enter poly (really want this, but seriously dun think mom will approve), 3. stick with jc life n face utter n complete humiliation, not only in sch but also frm family n relatives. plus, syllabus changes nxt yr. will be so much tougher). well! seems like it's all narrowed down, doesn't it? serious work is in order. juz 3 wks. 3wks is gonna fly past. i better get down to some really serious slogging. this ain't fun n play anymore. 3wks more, n i can kick back n relax. thinking of looking 4 a job in e airport immediately after e exams. nthing much 2 do then already. either ask uncle ling 2 set me up at mr bean at e airport, or go out n scout for jobs. sigh. but 1st things 1st, i better nail e exams. as 4 tt other thing in my not-so-happening life, i sure do hope i can move things 4ward a little faster. i hate things 2 be stagnant, which is where this is rite now. i wish i had e guts 2 make things happen, but i'm scared tt any sudden move might jerk e whole thing in2 e dirt, even worse than where it's current position is. sigh. wat i wldn't give 4 him 2 notice me n make small talk.

slog...i hope i can keep it up...

2005-09-07T02:25:00.000-07:00

2day was a fruitful day... did chem all e way... was supposed 2 meet cherri at 8am... woke up at 8.10am... i was like, shit! wanted 2 rush out immediately... but mom juz had 2 nag at me non-stop n make me do a math qn which took a really long time... by e time i reached sch it was already 9.20am... wth... freakin' mad at my mom... poor cherri... she waited 4 over an hr la... stupid la... hafiz was there with cherri n mr ng was teaching hafiz... mr ng is so nice... i asked him 4 e extra algebra qns 2 practice... he went up 2 photocopy... then came down 2 continue teaching hafiz... then he went up again n promptly came down with timeout chocolate for e 3 of us... wah...he's so nice la... ok sry... i'm being so lame n pathetic here... went lunch with cherri at white sands... ate macs... yum! mcwings r delicious... went back 2 sch n continued studying... all e way until abt 6.30pm whn dad picked me up 2 go 4 chem tuition... wah tired sia... whole day do chem... finished around 8.45pm... went hm... ate macs 4 dinner again... sian... watched csi... n tt is e end of my incredibly super ultra mega boring day... alright... i'm gonna go now n spare u e torment of ur brain cells as u read this... nite...

pooped...totally...

2005-09-06T00:22:00.000-07:00

i am so freakin' tired... got hm around 8.30pm... can u believe it... a whole grp of us who wanted 2 study in sch till late got chased out... wat shit la... so in e end i had 2 wait 4 dad at e no.3 bus stop... scary... there was this guy singing really off-key opposite e sch... probably abit cuckoo... or not... maybe he's juz practising 4 e nxt project superstar or singapore idol... lol... i'm damn mean la... so shoot me... anyways... 2day was quite a fruitful day... started work around 7.45 this morning when dad dropped me off... did integration tutorial till it was time 4 math make-up tutorial... mr ng kept us hard at work till around 12.15pm... man, certain ppl in class r so annoyingly noisy... felt like telling them 2 shut up... i mean, if u dun wanna study, fine... but dun affect other ppl who do wanna study... after tt did some pw stuff with firdaus on my laptop which i brought 2 sch... was supposed 2 go out 4 lunch with e whole gang (meaning cherri, freesia, yilin, wenze n zhiyi (ntt's rock-climbing...lucky ass))... in e end left only cherri, freesia n i... went tm 2 eat pizza hut... yum... beef lasagna rawks... lol... bumped in2 jamie chow n janice tan hui kim ('04 4/5 kc classmates)... real nice 2 see them again... headed back 2 sch n did some work in e library with cherri... we ended up listening 2 music on my comp n we both took short naps... e library is not condusive 4 studying... e aircon makes u wanna slp within minutes... well... tt juz abt sums up e whole of my incredibly lame-ass day... sigh.., wat a sad life i lead... on a brighter note, i did talk 2 him last nite... oh wow... how exciting... god, i'm juz killing myself with all this stupid things... i'm setting myself up 4 exactly e same thing i go thru each time... whn will i ever learn... somebody shoot me...
************************************************************************************************

Look at me

You may think you see

Who I really am

But you'll never know me

Every day

It's as if I play a part

Now I see

If I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?
I am now

In a world where I

Have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world

What's inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection

Someone I don't know?

Must I pretend thatI'm

Someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be

Free to fly

That burns with a need to know

The reason why
Why must we all conceal

What we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that

I'm Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

-christina aguilera-

s.l.a.c.k.

2005-09-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

it's been a cold dreary day... i nvr thought i'd get a chance to say tt in hot n humid S'pore... but there u go... it started pouring juz as dad n i were getting ready 2 go 2 uncle tony's hse 4 ethan's 1st bday... as usual mom n kelvin didn't go... saw cynthia n douglas, my 2nd cousins... douglas was his usual irritating, fatty self... god, he's really ballooned... haha... cynthia is nice now... she used 2 be so hoity-toity... but i guess she saw tt u can't really make much frens by being stuck up, so she changed her ways... so gd 4 her... she's much nicer... it was really annoying how all e adults, especially aunty lena, cynthia's mother, who is super competitive, kept asking how i'm doing in sch... cynthia's in rjc... big deal... but yeah... all e adults think it's so great... yeah, wateva... i mean, i dun blame cynthia... cos it's great tt she reaps e rewards of her efforts... but it's e adults who make it really difficult 4 us... as cousins we juz wanna hv fun n joke around, without our parents comparing grades n stuff like tt... so anyway... came home around 4pm... was supposed 2 do some solid work... a word of advice: nvr sit in front of e computer n attempt 2 study... very little, n i mean very, get's done... so yeah... basically, 2day has been another really slack day... must must MUST get down 2 some serious studying tmr... gonna stay back in sch tmr... i'll nvr get anything done if i come home... far too many distractions...

broken dreams

2005-09-03T00:20:00.000-07:00

u noe how it is when life seems to be turning around for e better when suddely, u're hit by a tremendous blow tt juz takes ur breath away in 1 fell swoop n ur world juz crashes around u? well... i shld noe tt feeling really well... disappointments juz seem to noe exactly when to hit me... n e worst thing is? i can't do a darn thing abt it... it's really sucky... ppl always say u gotta learn 2 deal with life's ups n downs... why is it tt my life juz seems 2 be full of downs only? am i such a horrible person tt God decides 2 punish me like tt? i dun geddit... i'm not a saint, but there r more so many more ppl who hv sinned probably more than i hv... i bet every1 is juz wondering "wat is this stupid crazy girl talking abt?! wat a freak!" ahh... 4get it man...i'm juz gonna go drown myself in my sorrow... if only e circumstances were different... so many factors... environment, family, society, friends... sigh... perhaps things might hv been different...

teacher's day celebration... be-urself day...

2005-08-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

i do realise i was being melodramatic in my last entry... but if u guys out there do noe e true story behind tt "story", pls, juz keep it 2 urself n dun ask me anything... Ask me no qns, n i'll tell u no untruths... anyways...
2day was a great day, albeit a boring one... but it was great all e same... i wore e outfit i described 2 entries ago with e silver sandals i borrowed frm mei ying... went over 2 her hse last nite ard 8.30 after studying in sch till 8pm... gosh, i'm turning in2 such a mugger... haha... yup... so 2day was Be-Yourself Day, so e whole sch was decked out in their own clothes... quite a sight... a gd one, tt is... i love describing wat ppl wear, so i shall do so now... (sry, i noe u guys think i'm totally bonkers...)
yilin was wearing this short white flared skirt, a black baby tee, with a beaded belt n strappy sandals... she had these white hoop earrings on too... altogether really cute...
cherri wore this black skirt, abt calf-length, with silver embroidery at e waist... it's of uneven cutting... very bohemian... nice... she wore this pair of white ballet pumps... n she had e same Giordano V-necked baby tee as me! haha... she looked really nice...
freesia was more punk rock... black jeans, white baby tee n Converse shoes... she looked like a rocker... like a Green Day member... only Green Day usually wears totally black... but she looked nice too...
zhiyi wore a white T-shirt with a black flared skirt which looked kinda like mine, only shorter... very nice too...
wat was surprising were e 3 malay guys... nvr thought they cld look so gd dressed up... faiz, haiqal n firdaus all wore such formal clothing... Nice! especially haiqal! he even wore a jacket n a fedora... so cool! he looked like taufik at some angles... haha...
let's see... who else... tt's abt it i guess... oh yes... i saw somebody 2day... up close man... abt 1metre away... Damn! haha... gosh he looked damn bloody freakin' gd! swoon... lol... blue striped shirt, blue jeans n white adidas shoes... man, was he handsome or what... sigh... he still is utterly clueless as to who e heck i am... ah, who e heck do i think i am? so many girls r throwing themselves at his feet... even certain bimbos whose names i shall not mention... can't believe it... well, i guess e only consolation is tt he always hangs out with e guys in his class, not e girls... wow... n tt makes me feel so happy... wth...
well, i guess tt's it... nthing else much 2 say... so ciao!

confusion sets in...why do i feel the way i do?

2005-08-28T01:53:00.000-07:00

let me tell u a story... this story basically revolves around 3 characters... a girl, let's call her L, a guy,N and another guy, H...
************************************************************************************************
L likes N alot... she's liked him, not frm day 1, but after being frens 4 awhile... L confessed her feelings 2 N... N didn't say no... neither did he say yes... L was left dangling in e air, like a puppet... but L didn't exactly mind... after all, who knew wat wld happen rite? ok. so e whole thing went on... L wasn't sure if N was leading her on or not... but she felt pretty sure tt N wasn't... cos L didn't think N was a lousy jerk... n she thought he was sending some pretty gd signals... L was overjoyed, cos wat she was waiting 4 so long seemed 2 be happening...
but one day... e msgs, e conversations all suddenly fizzled out... L was devastated... wat was goin on? this went on 4 quite awhile... L was desperate 2 noe wat happened... she cldn't concentrate on her work... she became dejected n introverted... so L decided 2 ask N one fine day whether he had any feelings 4 her or not... turns out N only treated L as a gd fren... L broke down... here was e guy she had put so much time n effort in2, n he juz carelessly n mindlessly tore her heart in two... but wat choice did she hv? one cldn't force love... worse of all, ppl ard knew abt L's feelings 4 N... so all L cld do was swallow her pride n tears, stick her chin up n face e real world bravely... life wasn't a bed of roses... even if it was, there were those painful thorns... so L's heart bled silently... luckily, N wasn't tt heartless after all... they became frens again... but L's feelings 4 N nvr died...
then H materialized... he had been there all along, juz tt L hadn't exactly noticed, wat with being so wrapped up with e whole N business... H didn't noe L at all... neither did L... but L forced herself 2 think tt she liked H, so tt her heart cld heal, so tt she cld 4get abt N...
************************************************************************************************
e story isn't complete... i'll write e ending soon enough...

shopping success

2005-08-28T01:47:00.000-07:00

went shopping at orchard rd 2 day with cherri, yilin, freesia, wenze n zhiyi... love shopping... if i had e moolah, i'd juz go crazy buying stuff... altogether, it was a pretty successful shopping trip... bought a black skirt... it's made of this ruffled kind of material... sorta like crumpled chiffon... it comes with this bronze-coloured flower brooch... dun really like it... but love e whole package all e same... abit costly though... $39... but i loved it so much i juz had 2 get it... lol... it was juz calling out 2 me, as wenze said... haha... also bought a white V-neck shirt frm Giordano 2 go with e skirt... it's 4 Be-Yourself Day nxt tues... how dumb rite? it's called Be-Yourself Day, n e sch restricts us like hell... crazy... cannot wear sleeveless, cannot wear open-toed shoes, cannot wear skirts tt r too short... cannot this, cannot tt... wth? how can it even be called Be-Yourself Day? more like Be-Yourself-But-The-School-Tells-You-What-2-Wear Day...
it's been a pretty slack day 4 me... i better go get some work done... got a bloody stupid bio test on mon... yuck.

an eulogy 4 a loved one...

2005-08-20T23:54:00.000-07:00

juz finished having a counselling session with mom... she's really sad now... one of her best frens, Sey Moi, passed away ytd... she finally succumbed to stomach cancer, e disease she's been trying 2 fight 4 e past yr or so... it's so sad... i've nvr really met her... maybe i hv, a long time ago... but there's only a vague memory of her... well, this is for her...

aunty sey moi, i noe we've nvr really gotten 2 noe each other very well...

but i juz want u 2 noe...

every1 here misses u...

we'll miss ur smile, ur laughter...

we'll miss e times we shared... whether gd or bad...

u've touched our lives, one way or another

u'll always remain in our hearts...

n we love u always...

go in peace... and find happiness n joy in God's kingdom...

mom attended her funeral with dad juz now... when she came back, she came in2 my room with a look i've nvr seen on her face b4... a look of utter loss n pain... she looked so helpless... i felt really sad... aunty sey moi was considered 1 her closest frens... mom came in n said "maybe i've been visited aunty sey moi at e hospital so many times. i dunno, when i entered my room, i smelt tt familiar hospital smell. u noe, like e kind of odour in hospital wards." then she took a deep breath n i knew she was gonna cry any time... so i got up n gave her a big hug... i told her "u noe, maybe aunty sey moi noes u really miss u so she was around. maybe her spirit was around, tt's y u smelt e hospital smell." then mom began 2 cry... at tt point i really cldn't help it too... so i cried with her... mom said " u noe, i told myself i wldn't cry at e funeral. but now..." n then she juz cldn't continue anymore... i dun blame her... if my close fren were to suddenly leave this world, i dunno wat i wld do... so i told mom "don't cry, at least now aunty sey moi isn't suffering anymore. now she's resting in peace. i noe u really miss her, but u gotta let her go. if not she won't be able to rest in peace. u must let her go. God will take care of her, He won't forsake her. she's probably in heaven now, well n happy. don't worry. she's always there, watching over all of us." sigh... i really hate it when a loved one is taken... but wat can we do? when our time comes, we hv 2 go, even if we want 2 or not... sigh... tt's e cruelty of life... life is so beautiful... we must truly cherish it when we hv it, n make full use of it... otherwise when we're gone frm this world, we will go with regrets... live strong, ppl...

I miss you, miss you so bad

I don't forget you, oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me

I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

I didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand

I wish that I could see you again

I know that I can't

I hope you can hear me cos I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away

Was the day I found it won't be the same

I had my wake up

Won't you wake up

I keep asking why

And I can't take it

It wasn't fake

It happened, you passed by

Now you're gone, now you're gone

There you go, there you go

Somewhere I can't bring you back

Now you're gone, now you're gone

There you go, there you go

Somewhere your not coming back

The day you slipped away

Was the day i found it won't be the same

The day you slipped away

Was the day that i found it won't be the same

I miss you

-Avril Lavigne-

never had a dream come true

2005-08-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

Everybody's got something they had to leave behind

One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time

There's no use lookin' back or wondering

How it could be now or might have been

Oh this i know, but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true

Till the day that I found you

Even though I pretend that I've moved on

You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say

You're the one I think about each day

And I know no matter where life takes me to

A part of me will always be with you

Somewhere in my memory

I've lost all sense of time

And tomorrow can never be cos yesterday is all that fills my mind

There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'

How it should be now or might have been

Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go

I never had a dream come true

Till the day that I found you

Even though I pretend that I've moved on

You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say

You're the one I think about each day

And I know no matter where life takes me to

A part of me will always be

You'll always be the dream that fills my head

Yes you will

Say you will

You know you will oh baby

You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget

There's no use lookin' back or wonderin'

Because love is a strange and funny thing

No matter how I try and try

I just can't say goodbye

No No No No

I never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you

Even though I pretend that I've moved on

You'll always be my baby

I never found the words to say

You're the one I think about each day

And I know no matter where life takes me to

A part of me will always be

A part of me will always be with you

-S Club 7-

******************************************************

this song has been stuck in my head 4 e whole of 2day... it's such a lovely song...

my day has turned out freakin' great... except for 1 little thing which i shall not even bother 2 write abt...

i got my wish

i took e 1st step

n now it's little steps 2gether...

yay!

boring day...again....

2005-08-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

juz got home frm this brazilian bbq restaurant at east coast park big splash... absolutely stuffed... food was gd though... view was nice too... lots of caucasians... haha... *hint hint* lots of cute guys 2 look at... too bad there r tons of hot sexy caucasian chicks around too... haha... ok... wat 2 write... 2day was ultra boring... let's see... woke upat 10am, tinkered around doing nthing... wandered downstairs at abt 11am 2 find sumthing 2 munch on... mom decided 2 cook an early lunch... basically juz maggi mee n grilled fish... ah... u noe wat... this is putting me 2 slp... alright i'm gonna go rot in my room now...

remember...

2005-08-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

Remember, I will still be here

As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended

Just remember me

I am the one star that keeps burning, so brightly,

It is the last light, to fade into the rising sun

I'm with you

Whenever you tell, my story

For I am all I've done

Remember, I will still be here

As long as you hold me, in your memory

Remember me

I am the one voice in the cold wind, that whispers
And if you listen, you'll hear me call across the sky

As long as I still can reach out, and touch you

Then I will never die

Remember, I'll never leave you

If you will only
Remember me

Remember me...

Remember, I will still be here

As long as you hold me

In your memory

Remember, when your dreams have ended

Time can be transcended
I live forever

Remember me

Remember... me...

-josh groban (with tanja tzarovska)-

************************************************************************************************

thought u guys might like these lyrics... it's e soundtrack of Troy, one of my fave movies... this song is juz beautiful... anyway... 2day's national day... everywhere i go, i see red & white, white & red... getting quite annoying... haha... now ppl r gonna think i'm this idiot who doesn't appreciate our nation's birthday... not true... but seriously, some ppl shld think b4 they wear red n white... e colors dun suit them sumtimes... so all it creates is an eyesore 4 other ppl... feelin kinda down... dunno y... can't place my finger on it... maybe it has 2 do with a certain sum1 whose bday happens 2 fall on National Day..? haha...

back at last...

2005-08-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

hvn't been blogging 4 such a long long time... blogging has kinda lost its element of fun... haha... lots of stuff has happened during this period of time... both good n bad... firstly, some1 confessed their feelings 4 me... some1 i kinda expected... but some1 i thought wld hv juz given up... not 2 say tt i'm wonderful or anything (i noe i'm not...), but this guy really is reaching way outta his league... i'm sorry... but seriously, i really dun think i can even continue being frens with this guy... he is juz way way scary... he even wanted an answer frm me... i dunno, but my reaction was like "wtf? u even want an answer? isn't obvious already? i mean, look at u n me, do we even look compatible 2gether?" not 2 be mean or anything, but i wldn't even be frens with this guy if i hadn't pitied him cos he said he had no frens... i noe it sounds pretty mean, but dun get me wrong... i really dun mean anything by tt... seriously, my standards r quite (meaning very) high... i noe, i look like shit la... but still... a girl can dream... sigh... on a happier note, there's some1 absolutely gorgeous now... my bae yong jun... omg... tt guy is juz 2 die 4... he is so handsome... i must must MUST get 2 noe him... haha... easier said than done la...

broken up deep inside

2005-07-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

it's not my fault. pls don't hate me.

sticks & stones may break my bones... but words can never hurt me...

2005-07-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

many things hv happened these few days... in e midst of it all, i can see now who r truly my frens n who r juz e big phoneys... nthing will be said abt wat happened since sat... a whole chain of events took place one after e other... i've hardly had time 2 breathe.... i dun even hv a moment where i can juz step back n take a good long hard look at my life... wat has it become? has my life reduced till it has started 2 revolve around these things tt make my life a living hell? why shld i subject myself 2 such torture n torment... it is all self-inflicted pain... i've really been doing alot of soul searching e past few days... n now i really feel tt i need 2 let it all go... sumtimes i juz feel like i wanna run away frm all this madness... it's juz driving me nuts... i noe i say i dun care... but deep down, it really bites 2 noe tt ppl u thought were ur frens cld be so two-faced... i'm not gonna state any names... i'm really tired of all this... i juz want my old life, no matter how boring n mundane n dreary, back... period. i am getting sick of all e things happening 2 me... ppl can think wateva they want... i dun care... they're entitled 2 their own opinion... i dun give a fuck.

I hope and I pray... Waiting to find a way back to you...

2005-07-15T00:47:00.000-07:00

bio spa tmr... super super dead... gonna die like nobody's business... my eyes hurt like hell... fall asleep everywhere i go... tt's how tired i am nowadays... sigh... wat makes everything worse is tt he ignores me totally in sch... as in treats me utterly invisible... for real... sigh... tt's wat makes me feel so much more down n depressed... but e past few days hv been slightly better... so yay... i can't wait for sat... sigh... pls let everything go smoothly... mom has been handled, pretty well, if i may say so myself... here's my plan 4 tmr (provided mom stays in e office) (n depending on whether i feel likeit anyway) :

2.45pm go parkway

4pm cut hair

4.30pm buy sandals from charles & keith

5.15pm go home

if this plan can't be put in action, then it shall be postponed to sat, after pw clinic in sch at 9.30am... everything shld end at abt 11am... then i can tell mom i'm goin 2 lawrence's... then i'll sneak over 2 parkway n get my stuff done... my hair is absolutely horrendous... e stupid hairdresser at toni n guy academy cut e bottom in a straight line, so my hair looks super thick n yucks... i want a v-shape... then it will make my hair look thinner... so i'll probably go 2 tt shop at parkway... only $10... they're not bad la... went there b4... at least they didn't ruin my hair tt badly... alright, i gotta go slp now... my brain is not functioning properly... this post is taking twice as long 2 type out... cos i'm not thinking straight n i'm making funny typos... i'm so tired, i juz blank out suddenly n 4get wat i was talking abt... right... wat was i gonna do? oh yeah... go n slp... see, told ya...

long day...

2005-07-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

josh groban's voice is juz heavenly... his songs r so inspirational... well, at least e ones i understand anyway... since most of his songs r in italian... but i love the tune n rhythm of the songs... so i hear e songs with my heart... i noe it sounds pretty stupid n weird... u wldn't really understand till u listen 2 his songs whn u're feeling down... anyway, my purpose being here is not 2 promote 4 josh groban... so moving along... firstly, patched things up with lisa ytd, so YAY! it's a huge load off my chest... at least i feel so much happier now tt i've cleared e air between me n lisa... had a horrendous day in sch... again, i was ignored, like a discarded piece of trash along a dirty alleyway... sigh... plus, it's now confirmed tt my mid yr grades r a triple flush... all Fs... perfect... i hate myself... i shld hv worked harder... but wat's e use of crying over spilt milk? so i've made up my mind 2 really work my ass off 4 e rest of this yr... i'm so tired n sleepy... partly bcos i stayed up til 4.30am 2 chat with mei ying on e phone... but i hardly see my darling best fren i dun mind sacrificing my beauty sleep... played tennis in sch during pe 2day... fun! pamela whacked e ball so hard, it actually flew all e way over e fence on 2 e opposite road... i had 2 run out 2 retreive it, otherwise we had 2 pay $2.50... haha... rushed 2 tm 2 meet up with mei ying... didn't even hv time 2 change out of my smelly pe attire... i must hv looked a mess... we finally got e tix 4 ballet under e stars 4 this sat... me, mei ying, guan n him r goin... we gave up looking 4 a 3rd couple, even though we had 2 forgo e 20% discount if u buy 5 or more tix... nobody seemed 2 wanna go anyway... so it's juz gonna be e 4 of us... how romantic... him behaving like a stone n me trying 2 get e stone 2 react 2 me... sigh... wat fun tt'll be... but then again... i can't wait...

2005-07-10T17:35:00.000-07:00

The Goddess of Roses and Love. You are a hopeless
romantic. Always optimistic and loving, you
have many friends and you are exceptionally
trustworthy. You are a innocent beauty.

Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-07-10T17:17:00.000-07:00

Neutral:
Harmony and balance is key. You don't look at the
world in a negative or positive way and you'll
never judge or assume a situation- you just
look at the facts. People like you are peaceful
and accepting.

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-07-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

I Am

Which tarot card are you?

the search for an answer is met with a darker day...

2005-07-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

mei ying's right... as usual... n she noes me best... i hv been obssessing abt him way too much... so it shall end... i like him... enough 2 go nuts with every little thing he says or does... but tt doesn't mean i shld become so stalkerish... tt is juz downright scary... so i shall put a stop 2 this craziness... easier said than done... but i gotta give it a shot... this shall be last entry abt him (or at least the last entry abt him until i completely break the habit of talking abt him all e time...) anyway... i've been feeling really down these past 2 days... on thur he didn't speak 2 me all... n he treated me like i was invisible... ok fine, i understand... maybe he didn't want ppl 2 think funny stuff, or maybe he was juz tired... but no... he kept talking 2 tt stupid girl... i was horrified... n she kept pushing her luck, by being nice 2 me, when all e time i juz wanted 2 wring her neck, not tt she even has 1... but i'm a lady, so i dun wanna soil my hands on bad rubbish... so i had 2 go thru e whole day, enduring watching them laughing n talking... n there i was getting more n more worked up... so my entire day was totally ruined... i went home feeling like i'd lost a million bucks... thinking tt he probably didn't like me at all... met up with mei ying n guan at lawrence's... great 2 see them... they made me happy again... then stupid guan msged him "why u nvr talk 2 cheryl?" omg... can die... then on fri, he actually asked me abt it! omg... i was wishing there was a hole in e floor i cld dive in2... i was so embarrassed... mumbled something stupid... but at least it got us talking... haha... u shld hv seen tt girl's face... she look so furious when i went n talked 2 him... haha! told him abt e picnic n tt he's gotta prepare stuff 2 eat... i wonder if he can cook... apparently guan can... haha... can't imagine... but ytd was entiredly surprising... i thought he wld keep emdd entirely 2 himself... but he actually said something abt it during lunch... i was so stunned... wat do u suppose tt means? tt he wants ppl 2 noe tt we went out? or he juz wanted 2 embarrass me? so does he treat me as a fren only or more than a fren? sigh... so many qns... where r e answers? i'm definitely asking him nxt sat whn we go out... it's my only chance... i dun wanna regret... so i'm doing it... 4 my sanity...

absence makes e heart grow fonder

2005-07-05T02:13:00.000-07:00

1st day back 2 school... lessons start as usual... yuck. cldn't slp last nite again... dunno why... (actually i noe why la... but so embarassing 2 say la... haha...) only managed 2 fall asleep around 3am... crazy... woke up at 6.27am... e funny thing is, i hardly felt sleepy n tired in class... e weariness only truly hit me on my way home frm sch... when i was in e bus, i dozed off... reached home around 6.20pm... went 2 e new eastwood food centre 4 dinner with dad n kelvin cos mom had her usual monthly dinner talk... yay. e food there sux bigtime... not tt i even finished my meal... i ordered mee goreng frm this indian stall... i think e cook dumped a whole pail of red food colouring in2 e mee... it looked horrendous... like some kinda cow innards... gross... but i had no appetite, so i ended up eating only abt half... plus i was so preoccupied... do not ever go 2 tt place... they shld put warning signs around there 2 warn ppl of serious food poisoning... i tell u, yucks... trust me... was so tired when i reached home around 8.30pm... juz plonked down on my nice cosy bed n fell asleep... was supposed 2 slp 4 only 15min... slept all e way till 10pm... watched csi... then remembered i hv a ton of chem tuition hw i hv 2 post 2 my chem tutor by tmr... my eyes hurt. alot. bah. sch hasn't even started properly n i already feel so tired... sigh... i won't get 2 see him 4 another 2 days... bah. miss him... this juz makes me think abt him even more... n i juz realised tt i'm e only 1 who noes he's away... even his close frens dunno wat happened 2 him... so i guess, in a way, i am pretty close 2 him... tt's wat i feel... but he probably doesn't even think of me at all... unlike someone... it's official. i'm going outta my mind... wat e hell am i doing? he's not even my bf... i'm not even anything 2 him... wth... i hv turned in2 a psychotic idiot. great. juz wat i want.

words of wisdom...

2005-07-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

happy fourth of july! right. i'm not even american. but still... hvn't been blogging 4 e past few days... life has juz dipped 2 an all time low now since thur... sigh... but he has been msging me a couple of times... i've been feeling quite down, no thanks 2 my mom yelling at me 4 unknown reasons... plus my bro can't be my ally since he's suddenly been struck down with e flu... sigh... my dad is juz in a plain bad mood all day long... again, my mom... not only tt, lisa's mad at me, which makes things 10x worse... i noe tt incident was mostly my fault... but i really do wish she'd juz gimme 20min 2 explain myself... sigh... so those little msgs, while seemingly meaningless, make me feel much happier... n i really thank him 4 tt... one such msg really made my day... "One of the nicest things in my life was knowin u & even if i dun have lots of msgs to send, i wan u 2 noe how much i treasure u since the day i knew u." ok fine, it's probably 1 of those forwarded msgs, but it juz makes me feel all warm n fuzzy inside... last nite, i was talking 2 him abt how unfair my mom was treating me this way... screaming at me 4 every little thing, especially when it's not even my fault... n he msged back "Sometimes we have to let go of things to move forward" n he told me not to worry n tt everything wld be ok in e end... it was incredibly deep... i mean, i dun usually get this kinda advice frm ppl... usually it's more of a "dun care abt ur mom la... it's ur life, not hers..." ok, if this advice came frm a girl, i probably wld've understood too... but coming frm him, these words r kinda surprising... he didn't strike me as e sorta guy who was such a deep thinker... come 2 think of it, he really does come up with profound things sometimes... it's all part of his charm... :p i'm not gonna be seeing him e nxt few days cos he's busy with his own stuff... sigh...
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alright, this is 4 lisa... i dunno if u still read my blog... but if u do, pls pls pls try 2 put ur anger in ur heart 4 me away 4 awhile n call me or msg me... i really dun wan our frenship 2 be ruined... e reason why i feel e need 2 explain this whole huge misunderstanding 2 u is be cause i really treasure n cherish e frenship we share... remember wat happened in sec4? i really dun wish 4 another fiasco 2 occur again... it took us a really long time b4 we patched things up again... n i dun wan this 2 be a cold war again like last time... we're almost adults already... cld we pls try 2 work things out? everytime i pick up e phone 2 call u, i suddenly lower e phone cos i juz remembered tt u're mad at me... i really hate tt feeling... i really am extremely sorry 4 wat happened on thur... pls listen 2 my explanation... juz gimme another chance... pls...

life just can't get any better... or can it?

2005-07-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

went 4 emdd ytd with mei ying, guan n him... ytd was e best nite of my life... if i cld relive last nite minus e yucky bits), it wld juz be absolutely perfect... ytd started out totally sucky... i woke up really late cos i was so tired... kelvin was calling me 2 go out 4 lunch at macs, so i had 2 wash up, call dad n rush out... so all in all, it took around 1/2hr to 45min... which is like really fast already... so anyway... mom called whilst we were eating n blew up at kelvin... he got fed up n juz clicked e phone off... which is completely understandable since it's mom here we're talking abt... so she decided 2 call my hp... but it was in my bag n i'd put it on e floor... so i had no idea she was ringing me... then finally when i saw my phone, she was calling... so i picked up n she started screaming at me on e phone... i wanted 2 do wat kelvin did too but decided not to... shld've though... she was yelling tt kelvin n i were a bunch of lousy ungratful b*****ds... i was so fed up with her... but i didn't wanna pick a fight wif her so i juz kept quiet... so when she slammed e phone down i told kelvin 2 hurry up n rush hm... so we ate in record time... when we got hm, i tried calling e office 2 explain 2 her... dad picked up n she refused 2 take my call... so i was like fine, wateva... later dad called n i explained e whole story but she still refused 2 talk 2 us... kel left 4 tuition n i started 2 get ready 4 emdd... n dad, of all things had 2 be out at a meeting when i called 2 say i was leaving e hse... by then i was already super late... so i thought i'd better talk 2 my mom so she wldn't kill me even more when i came hm frm emdd... she totally blew up... i'm telling u, i really hate telling her things... cos she nvr listens n she can nvr remember stuff i tell her... i juz told her e day b4 tt i was going 4 emdd n she even said yeah ok... then now she comes n screams at me...? like wat e hell?! so she kept talking abt stuff which left me confused n i kept glancing at e clock cos i was so terribly late already... then her final words were "i dun wanna talk 2 u anymore... since u treat everything i say as nagging, i'm not gonna talk 2 u anymore." then she slammed down e phone... i was damn pissed off... not only tt, she made me extra lateby preaching on phone 2 me... so i rushed outta e hse... almost wanted 2 take a cab but no, my hse juz has 2 be in such a secluded area where taxis do not come... so in e end i had 2 wait for 15min 4 e stupid bus 2 come take me 2 e mrt station... by then he'd already reached pasir ris where we were supposed 2 meet... poor guy... he waited almost 45min 4 me... all cos of tt stupid woman... so i had dinner at macs (again)... 5 nuggets... u noe, whn u're in love u juz do not feel like eating... trust me... u get tt feeling... u juz feel full all e time... until u get gastric... anyway...we left around 6.20pm 2 meet mei ying n guan at tanah merah... we were gonna take a cab 2 victoria theatre... e whole taxi ride, he was so quiet... i felt bad tt he wasn't involved in our convo... but later he seemed ok... when we reached victoris theatre, every1 was seated already so we didn't get a chance 2 mingle outside as was our usual custom... we took our seats, saw a few ppl we wanted 2 avoid at all costs... of course guan n him were a little confused abt why we were walking so fast... but we juz wanted 2 get 2 our seats asap so we wldn't see those ppl's faces... during e concert, we kept whispering n dissing some of e performances... e kc dance was superb... scary... created with inspiration frm last yr's tsunami on 26th dec '04... omg... can get nightmares... then there was a 20min intermission... we decided 2 leave halfway... cos e concert was super boring... we walked 2wards e esplanade... then went 2 royal sporting house... later we left 2 go 2 pacific cafe... fun... we talked n they all forced me 2 eat this disgusting looking chicken thing... but i wasn't hungry but he said "u must finish e whole thing... otherwise nxt time u ask me go out with u, i won't go..." right. so when he put it tt way, i had no choice rite...? lol... so i ended up stuffing myself n felt like puking at e end of it all... so we had 2 go grab a cab hm since it was getting late... n wat with mom being angry n stuff... even if she didn't wanna talk 2 me, i didn't wanna push my luck either... but no, e taxis were either on call or with passengers inside... sigh... we were abt 2 give up, when we were standing in e middle of e road... u wldn't believe it... he actually ran onto e road 2 try n get a cab... but no luck... it was really nice of him 2 try... so in e end, we juz went n took e train hm... i called dad 2 pick me up... he was in a bad mood all e way home... must be mom... she really makes ppl go mad... whn i got hm, i din't even speak a word 2 her... tt's wat she wanted rite? so fine, i won't talk 2 her... so i juz did my own things n went 2 my room... he was so sweet... he msged "if u need 2, feel free 2 call me... relax k... no use worrying..." tt was so incredibly caring of him... ~sigh... yup so i helped kelvin with some of his amaths problems cos he had amaths paper 1 2day... then i went 2 bed... i simply cldn't slp, try as i might... i kept replaying e nite's events over n over in my head... how we laughed n chatted... hmm... come 2 think of it, he really gets along quite well with my frens... i feel so bad everytime i can't go out with him 2 meet his frens... i hope it doesnt't affect anything... then he msged me at 1am, saying thanks 4 e nite... but seriously, i shld thank him more... cos he made my nite extra special... i was over e moon...
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ok now on to 2day... he was late 4 sch... i dunno why... he actually msged me... but i didn't switch on my hp since there was gonna be clao lc exam... so i had no idea... but he arrived juz in time... heng ah... i thought he 4got... cos he didn't even noe there was an exam 2day until i said so last nite... tt stupid girl who likes him kept staring at him... n saying stuff like "he's late again... always like tt one la..." wat e hell... like she noes him very well like tt... go n die la... so after e exam, he sorta turned slightly (i was sitting 2 seats away frm him in e row above) n gave me a half smile n i smiled back... so cute... he looked super tired... maybe he got home really late last nite... poor thing... so when we were dismissed, i thought he wld ignore me as usual n talk 2 tt stupid girl... but no... he came straight 2 me n talked 2 me... woo-hoo! i was jumping up n down inside... i thought he wldn't mention last nite at all, but he did... another yippee! lol... then we (me, him n pam) went 2 e study area where we juz sat there n rotted away, talking nonsense... then later we went 2 e library cos both of them wanted 2 check their email... n he wanted 2 show me some cartoon clip... which was really funny, cos i didn't think a guy like him watched such stuff... but in e end i cldn't watch anything either cos e stupid internet connection in sch is really screwed up... then later he left 2 meet his fren... i left slightly later... came straight hm n plonked myself in front of e tv n watched spiderman vcd... wat an anti-climax... sigh... but wat 2 do... if i go out, my stupid mom will kill me... when she came back, i obeyed her wished n didn't speak 2 her... then she grew mad... wateva la... i've had enough already... i'm already 17... i'm not 5 anymore... this is my life... n i'm gonna live it e way i wanna...

freedom from repression

2005-06-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

at last! exams r over! woo-hoo!!! screwed up e maths paper (wat's new, huh...?)... went home straight after e paper... took my 1st bus ride in weeks... usually mom always wants 2 pick me up... dunno why... want 2 save petrol 4 her but she always wants 2 fetch me frm sch... sigh... anyways... wanted 2 go cut hair but decided not 2 in e end... too lazy... passed by aunty's hse so decided 2 borrow her brown sandals with e turquoise stone 2 wear 2 orchard... then went home n washed up... had terrible gastric pains... cos i didnt hv any breakfast n no lunch either... so i left e hse around 2+ to go orchard... met up with nelson cos pamela was late... sigh... he really looks so different... cuter... lol... he looks so much better now, wat with e change of hairstyle... not bad... pamela came later... sigh... dunno wat 2 write now... damn boring... bought a new denim skirt frm far east plaza... n a top frm mango... e very same blouse i'd been eyeing at mango isetan parkway... original price $25 cut down 2 $13... gd deal man... bought e green 1... cos nelson said it looks better on me... it was either e green or this dusty pick colour which was quite nice too... yup... okie nthing more 2 write... gtg...