Friday, September 30, 2005
surreal
it's surreal. yeah. but it only happens to beautiful actresses in movies like Bridget Jones's Diary and Notting Hill (i happen to love these 2 movies). never thought it would ever happen to ordinary ppl like me. but it's no big deal. because once again, i let the chance that God planted in my hands fly in the breeze. in the movies it always takes place in a coffee place. like starbucks. look at You've Got Mail. Meg Ryan didn't meet Tom Hanks up in some yucky old warehouse. Ok, so she had no idea it was her email correspondent, but still...
and so yes, it took place in starbucks. that's just about all i shall say here, seeing as i have no clue who knows about this blog. u never know these days, what with the tremendous magic of internet. one click of the mouse and boom, u're at the blog of your crush. or mortal enemy. whatever. fact is, u just never know who has access to your blog. so be careful of what u type. be very careful.
studied relatively well today. i know deep down that i really shouldn't be here typing this entry, since i vowed to myself not to use the computer till after my promos. but yet here i am. i have no willpower whatsoever. but what the hell. i deserve this little bit of indulgence. i've slogged almost the whole day today.
i am pooped. i should be, with all the mugging.
I see you
but i am invisible
cheryl [I`m in love.] 1:22 AM
Thursday, September 29, 2005
...and so it begins...
One crow sorrow
Two crows mirth
Three crows a wedding
Four crows a birth
Five crows silver
Six crows gold
Seven crows a secret
Which must never be told
alright. sorry bout that. just really liked that bit of rhyme. read it in one of the buffy the vampire slayer books at the library today. do not ask me why my choice of literature is so blah. i just happen to like books like that.
"Everything can be going along just great, and then one day - whack - you're blindsided. A lousy, crummy blow you didn't see coming."
again, sorry. this phrase is from a really sweet and sad story i read earlier on. it's called "Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas" by James Patterson. really touching story. it can make u cry buckets. u'd have to be made of stone not to tear (at least a little) when u read this book.
this phrase really stood out because it struck me that people can be so brutally honest sometimes, it hurts extra bad. they probably don't mean it, which makes it even worse, because it is just so mindless and unimportant to them. but it means alot to me. i'm always (well, most of the time) careful with my words, because i know that what i say may cut a person to shreds. but i guess not everyone has it in them to check what they wanna say before actually saying it.
well, my revision does seem to be making some sorta headway (keyword:sorta). guess my brain finally seems to be able to take the hint that promos are in less than a week's time. good. i hope.
went to starbucks with cherri to study today. not that i did much. vjc contains many (and i mean MANY) hot hot hot guys. seriously.
gonna study at starbucks with freesia, cherri n zhiyi tmr again. at the ungodly hour of 9am. followed by chem tuition at 4pm. i love my life.
cheryl [I`m in love.] 2:07 AM
Monday, September 26, 2005
life's trials and tribulations
down with the flu. i feel god-awful. came home early today. went over to mei ying's house to hang out and have lunch. my best friend made lunch for me! even though it was just maggi mee. lol. i am mad.
my revision is practically non-existent. i really must buck up. i keep telling myself that but yet i do nothing about it. if i was that concerned, i wouldn't even be sitting here in front of my computer writing this. sigh. i'm such a failure in almost all aspects in my boring ol' life. my studies are so lousy, my love life... wat love life? sigh. it's enough to make one cry. but i'm strong. so i don't cry. at least not on the outside.
HE doesn't notice me. i haven't seen HIM for a long time. sigh. sometimes i think about it, why do i always fall for guys that i can't get? and why do i attract ugly toads and mountain trolls? sigh. maybe my expectations are too high. but i can't help it. who doesn't want a handsome, dashing Prince Charming?
i look at love with a different perspective now. either u find it or u don't. thing is, u gotta get ur ass out there n actually FIND it. don't give a fuck whether ppl think that i'm desperate. cos i'm not. so fuck off. what the hell do ppl define as desperate? seriously.
alright. i'm just gonna stop rambling here. nite all.
cheryl [I`m in love.] 9:47 PM
Thursday, September 22, 2005
the countdown begins...
12 more days. promos are just around the corner n i'm not bucking up. feel so stupid. the only subject i feel slightly more comfortable with is chemistry. sigh. i've got this feeling that there's e possibility of me retaining. but no negative thoughts. only good thoughts count.
went sakae sushi at e airport with my family ytd. yummy! love the sashimi sushi. ate like 5 plates of it. then of all things, mrs seng had to tell us this morning that salmon has mercury poisoning. right. how cheerful.
wonder how mei ying n guan n a whole bunch of other old frens are doing. really miss them like hell. nvm. abt 2 more wks n i can par-tay!
wonder how HE's doing. hvn't spoken to him in such a long time. maybe he's avoiding me. i can feel it in my bones. SIGH.
got a whole bunch of things i wanna do after promos with my frens. can't wait. man, i wish there were no such things like homework n exams. how fun school would be.
cheryl [I`m in love.] 11:00 PM
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
do u hv to look so darn good?
life is funny. one day it's fine and dandy, the next, life throws u a wicked backhand that throws u across the room, slamming hard into the opposite wall. i question why, but there really isn't any one particular answer for that. it's one of those rhetorical questions that u ask just for the sake of asking. i've been feeling down and out for practically the whole day. don't ask me why, cos i dunno why myself. don't ask me if i'm ok or not. obviously i'm not. if only people wouldn't ask such dumb questions. if someone is looking like they just lost a million bucks, u don't ask them if they're alright. of course they're not. now i just sound unreasonable and ungrateful. already i have a diminishing number of frens n here i am being a total ingrate and, much as i would like to deny, a fucking brat. there r certain ppl out there who probably agree with that statement. n they wouldn't be wrong either. i've totally acted way out of proportion today. i sincerely apologize to all my friends who've had to tolerate my nonsense today. i promise i'll try to get it all outta my system asap n be back to my same old boring self. please don't ask me what's troubling me n all that. i would really much rather forget the whole damn thing. i'm getting pissed off n really very sick n tired of all this shit. i feel so fucked up. fuck. i hate my lame-ass, pathetic life. i've had nthing but shit the whole day. fuck it all.
cheryl [I`m in love.] 12:29 AM
Friday, September 16, 2005
don't walk away...u don't know the hurt u cause me...
Take it back, take it all back now
The things I gave
Like the taste of my kiss on your lips
I miss that now
I can't try any harder than I do
All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you
I'm broken in two
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away
Touch me now how I wanna feel something so real
Please remind me, my love
Take me back
'Cause I'm so in love with what we were
I'm not breathing
I'm suffocating without you
Do u feel it too?
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
When I'm in the dark and all alone
Dreaming that you'll walk right through my door
It's there I know my heart is whole
There's a million reasons why I cry
Hold my covers tight and close my eyes
'Cause I don't wanna be alone
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you
'Cause I can't fake and I can't hate
But it's my heart that's 'bout to break
You're all I need I'm on my knees
Watch me bleed, would you listen please
I give in I breathe out, I want you
There's no doubt
I freak out, I'm left out, without you
I'm without
I cross out, I'm kicked out, I cry out, I reach out
Don't walk away, don't walk away, don't walk away, don't walk away
-ashlee simpson-
************************************************************************************************
i think the very last sentence just abt sums up my thoughts on this fateful afternoon.
walked right past, smiled n got stared at like some kinda freak show. absolutely brilliant. like a breeze, u juz brushed past me. u walked on by. do u even realise the hurt u cause me?
i'm being such a drama queen. so shoot me for liking someone so much.
studied in school with yilin, cherri n freesia after math make-up tutorial. so sad. mr ng won't be teaching us in jc2. that is, if i even promote to jc2. 2weeks left, n my revision is so blah. i'm so dead. sigh. anyway, we sat at one of the study benches outside the G.O. somebody was sitting rite opposite. great. i'm not gonna write out exactly what happened but the lyrics of the ashlee simpson song "undiscovered" should give u a pretty good idea of what happened at the end of it all. (if u wanna know, ask me. if i'm in a good mood, i might consider letting u know. ah, but who the hell do i think i am? as if ppl even wanna know. just shut up now.) sigh. not a glance. not a single glance.
cheryl [I`m in love.] 11:22 PM
blessings
juz got home from orchard cineleisure. went to watch the brothers grimm with my family. great movie. i'm so in love with heath ledger! he is absolutely gorgeous! so charming. lol. 2day was a pretty nice day. except e last bit. i can't believe i missed e moment by a couple of seconds! omg!
i've learned something really important thing 2day too. it wasn't really nice to find out abt it, but i guess it's kinda good that i did. if not, i would not wise up. let's juz call it a blessing in disguise. i guess i was fooled. i feel so betrayed, like someone ripped my heart out, still warm and beating, n dumped it underwater. i thought i could hv it anywhere i went. but this kinda thing only happens very few times in my life, like darling mei ying n lisa n guan n a couple of other ppl, all of which i can count on one hand. they're e light of my life. don't know what i would do without them man. no kids about it. i miss u guys so much. sigh.
cheryl [I`m in love.] 2:04 AM
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
gravedigger, where art thou?
juz got this new skin done... my eyes are so pain now... i've been staring at this computer for abt an hour already... sorry bout the words... abit hard to see... but i liked this skin cos it has the song player thingie... i am so computer illiterate... i dun even noe wat it's called... lol... i'll change the skin again after my promos... i know it's really difficult to read... but for now, i gotta do my work... so u guys hang in there... sorry if it spoils ur eyesight...ooh one more thing... i feel god-awful... wish there was a trench deep enough for me to jump in n lie there forever... after wat happened the past few days, i guess things might've already hit rock bottom... but still, there are a couple shreds of hope left... so, i suppose all i can do is cling on to those, which might vanish anytime... so i gotta tread carefully... this whole thing is like a landmine... i never know when it might blow up in my face n rip my heart out...
cheryl [I`m in love.] 12:04 AM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
choices in life
studied on my own ytd. didn't do much. feel so utterly useless. mom n dad dropped me off in sch b4 heading off 2 work. as according 2 plan, i snuck out of sch n headed 2 e airport, where i sat at starbucks n sipped my fave coffee, caramel macchiato as i studied bio. enzymes. did very little. but it was sumthing i guess. then met up with my dearest best fren in e whole wide world n her poly fren, valerie. val's nice. mei ying went 4 her interview (she's getting a job at swensens at terminal 1, where val works). then we headed 2 terminal 2 for lunch. subway rawks! there was this cute guy serving us. lol. now every1 thinks i'm a flirt. like some guy already still look at other guys. well, i'm not. i juz appreciate beautiful things. haha. headed back 2 sch after tt. was all alone. i must hv looked so stupid sitting there all by myself trying 2 study. so decided 2 pack up n go hm. did absolutely nthing at hm. juz slacked all e way.
as for 2day, it's been really trying. i've been so lethargic n lazy e entire day, it's juz crazy. promos is in 3 wks flat, n my revision is so blah. i'm only gd at e last couple of topics. everything in front is blurry. i might as well face it. i hv abt, let's see now, 3 choices if i dun make it this yr. 1. drop out of jc n do a biomedical course in australia (want this, but i'll miss every1 back hm. n it's kinda scary 2 be in a forign country all by myself. i'm a little chicken at heart. lol.), 2. drop out of jc n enter poly (really want this, but seriously dun think mom will approve), 3. stick with jc life n face utter n complete humiliation, not only in sch but also frm family n relatives. plus, syllabus changes nxt yr. will be so much tougher). well! seems like it's all narrowed down, doesn't it? serious work is in order. juz 3 wks. 3wks is gonna fly past. i better get down to some really serious slogging. this ain't fun n play anymore. 3wks more, n i can kick back n relax. thinking of looking 4 a job in e airport immediately after e exams. nthing much 2 do then already. either ask uncle ling 2 set me up at mr bean at e airport, or go out n scout for jobs. sigh. but 1st things 1st, i better nail e exams. as 4 tt other thing in my not-so-happening life, i sure do hope i can move things 4ward a little faster. i hate things 2 be stagnant, which is where this is rite now. i wish i had e guts 2 make things happen, but i'm scared tt any sudden move might jerk e whole thing in2 e dirt, even worse than where it's current position is. sigh. wat i wldn't give 4 him 2 notice me n make small talk.
cheryl [I`m in love.] 10:15 PM
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
slog...i hope i can keep it up...
2day was a fruitful day... did chem all e way... was supposed 2 meet cherri at 8am... woke up at 8.10am... i was like, shit! wanted 2 rush out immediately... but mom juz had 2 nag at me non-stop n make me do a math qn which took a really long time... by e time i reached sch it was already 9.20am... wth... freakin' mad at my mom... poor cherri... she waited 4 over an hr la... stupid la... hafiz was there with cherri n mr ng was teaching hafiz... mr ng is so nice... i asked him 4 e extra algebra qns 2 practice... he went up 2 photocopy... then came down 2 continue teaching hafiz... then he went up again n promptly came down with timeout chocolate for e 3 of us... wah...he's so nice la... ok sry... i'm being so lame n pathetic here... went lunch with cherri at white sands... ate macs... yum! mcwings r delicious... went back 2 sch n continued studying... all e way until abt 6.30pm whn dad picked me up 2 go 4 chem tuition... wah tired sia... whole day do chem... finished around 8.45pm... went hm... ate macs 4 dinner again... sian... watched csi... n tt is e end of my incredibly super ultra mega boring day... alright... i'm gonna go now n spare u e torment of ur brain cells as u read this... nite...
cheryl [I`m in love.] 2:25 AM
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
pooped...totally...
i am so freakin' tired... got hm around 8.30pm... can u believe it... a whole grp of us who wanted 2 study in sch till late got chased out... wat shit la... so in e end i had 2 wait 4 dad at e no.3 bus stop... scary... there was this guy singing really off-key opposite e sch... probably abit cuckoo... or not... maybe he's juz practising 4 e nxt project superstar or singapore idol... lol... i'm damn mean la... so shoot me... anyways... 2day was quite a fruitful day... started work around 7.45 this morning when dad dropped me off... did integration tutorial till it was time 4 math make-up tutorial... mr ng kept us hard at work till around 12.15pm... man, certain ppl in class r so annoyingly noisy... felt like telling them 2 shut up... i mean, if u dun wanna study, fine... but dun affect other ppl who do wanna study... after tt did some pw stuff with firdaus on my laptop which i brought 2 sch... was supposed 2 go out 4 lunch with e whole gang (meaning cherri, freesia, yilin, wenze n zhiyi (ntt's rock-climbing...lucky ass))... in e end left only cherri, freesia n i... went tm 2 eat pizza hut... yum... beef lasagna rawks... lol... bumped in2 jamie chow n janice tan hui kim ('04 4/5 kc classmates)... real nice 2 see them again... headed back 2 sch n did some work in e library with cherri... we ended up listening 2 music on my comp n we both took short naps... e library is not condusive 4 studying... e aircon makes u wanna slp within minutes... well... tt juz abt sums up e whole of my incredibly lame-ass day... sigh.., wat a sad life i lead... on a brighter note, i did talk 2 him last nite... oh wow... how exciting... god, i'm juz killing myself with all this stupid things... i'm setting myself up 4 exactly e same thing i go thru each time... whn will i ever learn... somebody shoot me...************************************************************************************************Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend thatI'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that
I'm Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
-christina aguilera-
cheryl [I`m in love.] 12:22 AM
Monday, September 05, 2005
s.l.a.c.k.
it's been a cold dreary day... i nvr thought i'd get a chance to say tt in hot n humid S'pore... but there u go... it started pouring juz as dad n i were getting ready 2 go 2 uncle tony's hse 4 ethan's 1st bday... as usual mom n kelvin didn't go... saw cynthia n douglas, my 2nd cousins... douglas was his usual irritating, fatty self... god, he's really ballooned... haha... cynthia is nice now... she used 2 be so hoity-toity... but i guess she saw tt u can't really make much frens by being stuck up, so she changed her ways... so gd 4 her... she's much nicer... it was really annoying how all e adults, especially aunty lena, cynthia's mother, who is super competitive, kept asking how i'm doing in sch... cynthia's in rjc... big deal... but yeah... all e adults think it's so great... yeah, wateva... i mean, i dun blame cynthia... cos it's great tt she reaps e rewards of her efforts... but it's e adults who make it really difficult 4 us... as cousins we juz wanna hv fun n joke around, without our parents comparing grades n stuff like tt... so anyway... came home around 4pm... was supposed 2 do some solid work... a word of advice: nvr sit in front of e computer n attempt 2 study... very little, n i mean very, get's done... so yeah... basically, 2day has been another really slack day... must must MUST get down 2 some serious studying tmr... gonna stay back in sch tmr... i'll nvr get anything done if i come home... far too many distractions...
cheryl [I`m in love.] 12:37 AM
Saturday, September 03, 2005
broken dreams
u noe how it is when life seems to be turning around for e better when suddely, u're hit by a tremendous blow tt juz takes ur breath away in 1 fell swoop n ur world juz crashes around u? well... i shld noe tt feeling really well... disappointments juz seem to noe exactly when to hit me... n e worst thing is? i can't do a darn thing abt it... it's really sucky... ppl always say u gotta learn 2 deal with life's ups n downs... why is it tt my life juz seems 2 be full of downs only? am i such a horrible person tt God decides 2 punish me like tt? i dun geddit... i'm not a saint, but there r more so many more ppl who hv sinned probably more than i hv... i bet every1 is juz wondering "wat is this stupid crazy girl talking abt?! wat a freak!" ahh... 4get it man...i'm juz gonna go drown myself in my sorrow... if only e circumstances were different... so many factors... environment, family, society, friends... sigh... perhaps things might hv been different...
cheryl [I`m in love.] 12:20 AM
